real world anxiety

I want to sleep til ten.
I want to get up and eat breakfast and check my emails for an hour.
Or two.
I want anything before 12pm to be 'early'
and the dark quiet hours after 9 to be 'me' time.
I want to stay up past 12 watching an educational documentary on tele.
Glad that I caught it.
All about penguins.
How clever I will be.

I want to put loud music on, take all my clothes out of the closet, try them on one by one, decide if I still like them, fold them, put them back, line up all my shoes, wear a tshirt, shorts and a headscarf I haven't touched for six years all day, and take a kleensack of clothes up to the opshop.
And call it a days work.

I want to write blogs. Long blogs that almost nobody reads.
And nobody needs.
Bad poems and poorly writ stories with overused adjectives and unnecessary hyperbole.
Because I want to. And I can.

I want to go surfing. When the surf is good. And when it is bad. And spend hours on the the beach.
Hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours.
And feel virtuous. And clean.
And dream.

I want to go away. For a day. For two days. While all the world is at work.
Eat sandwiches made from food in the cardboard box in my boot.
Chew through three packs of gum.
Wear my bikini every day and get sea hair.

I want to do Sudoku seven times a day. Often in bed.

I want to drive around when there is no traffic, because everybody is inside or somewhere else.
And always go 70. And never get stuck at lights.

I want to clean the house from top to bottom. and pick flowers and put them in a vase on display.
Do this all day.

I want to make a meal from a recipe. Peel and cut very small things. Make a meal that takes forever and looks marvelous and tastes devine. Make it for two and eat it all myself.

I want to wear Y back singlets with built in bras and short shorts and Jandals
everyday. And never be underdressed.
Well not always.
Sometimes I want to dress up, wear makeup, curl my hair, put on big shiny earrings and go out allllll night dancing.
And then sleep alllll the next day.

I want to read one article in the MSN news and feel I've done enough.
I want to sign up to things on the internet. Good causes.
Buy CDs online.

I want to get fed up, have a cold shower, and a nap, at 2 in the afternoon.
Lying in bed listening to only cicada's.
Occasional tuis.
I'm playing hide and seek.
And the world has long stopped looking and forgotten me.
That's okay I'm
Happy in my hideyhole.

I want to finish emailing, finish my blog and go for a reeeeally long run.
Come back, shower, eat, nap, and it nearly be dinner time.

I want to go visiting.
I want to stay in.
I want to apply for jobs from the safety of my room behind the wall of my screen
where nothing can get me, make me or touch me.
And then go back to bed.

And I am very worried
I have an inkling and I am feeling anxious
little inside and quivering in oversized boots
knees knocking and hair in my eyes
a weak bottom lip
i am concerned
that the real world is about to come
and drown my idle
in it's frantic, overinflated, and ever-so-important wake.

Yup, I see it on the horizon.
There is no place to run.