a bug flew in my ear

oh man i so wanna go surfing tomorrow and pihas sposed to be 2-3 METRES.
i could drown just thinking about it. haha.
hey now did i tell you the one about the bug that flew in my ear?
It did! and it was TERRIBLE!!!!

The night before i left for soundsplash I had just put the light off and lay my head on my pillow and a fluttery thing fluttered around my head and I swatted it away and it zoomed back down and flew into MY EAR. FRUCK!

So I, because it was my instant reaction, jamed my finger in after it, pushing it even further down my aural cavity!!!!!!! FRUCK!
I sat bolt upright in bed in the dark and there was a moment of silence and then it started

moving!!!!!

I gave an almighty scream. a short, loud, sharp one that meant business, you know, not the "I found a spider" scream. Not the, "someone gave me a surprise" scream. NO it was the "very bad come now!" scream.
THen I got straight up and went to the kitchen where i met kae who had been roused by the scream.
POUR OIL IN MY EAR THERES A BUG IN THERE. i said to him very bossily and perfunctily.
I DISTINCTLY remember the A and P class at school were our fat and stupid lecturer, colin, the guy who left to do photocopying when you asked questions, said:
"once a kid in ED got a bee in it's ear, the kid was paniccing like nothing you'd ever seen"
we asked him what you do (because thats why where here colin, to find out what to DO)
and he said "you pour oil in after it to kill it"
and so i handed my brother first the balsamic vinegar, because from the side with a bug in your ear they look quite similar. then asked him if that was the vinegar and he smiled so i handed him the oil and he poured it in my ear.
silence.

i think we got it good.

and then.
FWUMP FWUMP FWUMP FWUMP FWUMP!

the bug, now with its wings drenched in OIL, is banging its little brains out on MY EARDRUM.
and god it's aweful.
it's seven ways to sunday aweful.
it is the most momentarily unbearable thing that I can remember happening to me in a long time.
totally different from near drownings. this is psychological warfare. this is like allllll those things they do on fear factor combined cuz theres a BUG in my HEAD.
oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no.

so then brother two and dad came running in and there i am face dripping with oil head on my side (bug-ear down hoping he might just FALL out).
and operation remove bug ensues.

With one man manning the torch, another holding the ear orifice, and one with a pair of tweezers these good good rescue men make a vallant attempt to remove the bug but do you know what.
that bug has gone in Goooood and deep.
Kae is fishing in my earhole trying not to get my eardrum with those pointy dam tweezers,
(OH! my eardrum just gave a sharp pain remembering!)
i swing between moments of childish shrieky 'GET IT OUT" panic, and tired resignation.
but when dad says 'i can see him' i feel hope, but then he says 'he's black'
and i nearly pass out.

hes black and he's in my head. oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god

Then i go in after it with an earbud. and GOOD LORD is the ear canal ever long.
You go in right, and then you hit a wall so you angle back and you can just about, i shit you not, get an ear bud the whole way in, and THAT is where the bug is hiding. deep in the recesses of my brain. festering and making it's plans to take over all control.

Dad is standing by tutting and frowning and saying we should go to a and e but i'm tiiiiired, i just want this bug thing over, i don't want to go to a and e in my oily pyjamas and be PUBlically humiliated like this!
i even say maybe it's dead and it'll be fine and dad says plainly. you have to get it out.
right.
good things parents.

Then Adri thinks we should put water in so we do that and god it hurts. sharp like a stick in the ear. and i FLING my head to one side to get the bug out. but nah man. this bug is cryptonite proof.

Adrian, GOD BLESS HIM, puts his mouth to my ear and suuuuuucks, as hard as he can.
but that aint moving him either.

And finally i have to admonish that the bug has got the upper hand in this situation and i need professional assistance.
so lucky lucky brother one gets to drive me to a and e and wait with me there with all the feverish babies and guys who've been in fights.

We go up to the counter and lovely lovely nurse Sylvan hears me out and grins a big warm grin and says, we get this alot, they'll be able to get it out.
I swoon with relief. shame and relief.

Then i see lovely doctor holden somebody and have to sign a disclaimer because everynow and then someone gets a punctured eardrum doing this...
and i'm like: what are my options. he's like: vacumme it out but that'd have to wait til tomorrow and you've PROBABLY drowned it with the oil, but it may just be dormant and come alive in the night.

GET. IT. OUT. NOW.
Cut off my ear and wave it at me but get it out. now.
visions of alien 3 with signour weaver erupting into alien when that alien baby bursts out of her are going through my mind and i sign signy sign.

Then lovely lovely nurse Sylvan comes and very simply syringes some very nice warm water alllllll the way into the ear and after a few squirts makes me a very happy girl with the words
'there he is'
'want to see'
goddam i want to see.
ew it's a flying insect with pointy wings, not much body but legs too.
ew thank GOD it's out.
and i make kae come look too, half for proof, half for reward. hehe.
and home we come.
with one ear feeling positively CLEANED OUT and the other ear feeling a big jealous and wondering what the fuss was all about.

I brought the bug home in a bag and i'm going to cast it in resin and make a necklace out of it

No i'm not!!!! ahahaha had you going.

and thats the one about the bug in my ear.