I remember now, or do I?

I just remembered my blog.

When I was two my grandma gave me a teddy bear. No I don't remember this I just know the story, shh now and listen.
He was (is) a rusty orange, he is a flat bear whose arms stick straight up and legs straight down and he wears a bib (for spillings) that is navy blue, with a thin red trim, and a red apple on it, with one leaf. He has a leather nose. He squeaks, but you have to know where to push. And he dances, but you have to know how to hold him.
One time he needed open heart surgery so he has a vertical line up his tummy, but that was later.
When I was two, mum took me to the doctor, teddy under arm.
If I was good, and didn't squeal or squirm too much, after seeing the doctor, I got dried apricots.
Dried apricots were and are still one of my favourite, favourite things to eat.
Well, so the story goes, that on coming out from the doctors surgery with teddy under arm and apricot in hand the nurse at reception says to me in singsong for children type voice:
"What do you have there!?" Meaning the teddybear.
And I, at two, said: Apricot.
And hence, my bears name is Apricot.

I still have this bear and I have taken him to every single country, home and bed I've ever lived in. THe one time I forgot him, when I went to visit my boyfriend of a very tumultous long distance relationship in Wanaka, and we broke up. And BOY DID I WANT THAT apricot.
Hadn't I been good?

When I am 12 I have a friend from school, Alex. Alex is smart and arty and we are in Mr Dobson's painting class together. She has a pencil sharpener in the shape of a crocodile. He is called snappy the aligator. Alex pulls faces just like a fish. I call her Fishy. I still call her Fishy and this is 16 years ago. Some things stick. In third form Alex and I personally hand write and staple together a book called 'The Rules'.
This book is an adolescent girls perception on what it is okay, and what it is not okay, to DO.
ie. do not be Hazel Uzmar. (school geek much unfairly picked on).
I thought I kept that book, but we lost it. It's existence to our shameful judgemental smallmindness is hideous proof.
One day, I visit Alex at her mums house down the big hill road past where you get books cheap from the publishing company.
On her bed is a rusty orange teddybear, flat, with arms that stick up and legs that are sticking out (As it is sitting) and a blue bib, with red trim, and a red apple. And he squeaks.
And I can't quite get my head around it.

That's a little bit what reading my old blog is like, seeing the other apricot.
I think it's me, that girl on these pages. She does look exactly the same, maybe a little newer, cleaner, maybe you can't see the verticle scar. And yet... it's NOT me.

Oh I don't know.

I'm Back!

I'm back. What can I say.
After watching the surf documentary Bra Boys on Friday and knowing that the surf was going to be great for the first time in MONTHS, i pried myself from piets side and warm cave of goodness to go out to Piha for the first time in months.
High tide was 9.48am which was approximately what time I got there. I tell you it was fun and a relief just to be out on open roads, driving fast, not in bumper to bumper traffic. I love the drive to the waitaks.
So the beach was deserted but for surfers, maybe 20 total.
It didn't feel that cold, out of the water, infact, i was wearing a singlet in the car.
It was cloudy but there was plenty of blue sky too, that sun just needed an inch of encouragement and i'm sure we would've had a sunny day.
So, feeling like I had completely forgotten everything, infact, wondering if i still knew how to unzip my board bag and get into my wetsuit, it'd been that long. I got myself already.
I needed more wax and forgot to bring some, thats due to the infrequency of the winter surfing.
Oh well then, I thought, it can just be what it is, a hodge podge ramshackle stint in the water, a reintroduction, whatever it will be will be nice.
Strap on ankel in she goes. Yup it was really cold. I was expecting it though. It wsan't quite as biting as I thought it would be. As the cold sea seeped in through the knee pads of my wetsuit a gasped.
onto board and paddling! yaaaay! oh see i like every part of surfing, driving there, looking at the waves, putting on suit, paddling on board... so it was instantly gratifying.

ooooo the conditions were almost perfect. it was 2-3 ft, mostly 2, with the odd 3ft, completely offshore with really clean lines. the rip was a pleasant challenge and nothing to speak of. god it wsa JUST my favourite type of surf. SO out i paddled, i could get out, which says alot about the strength of the swell. i didn't go out to back line, no need. 2-3ft'rs were everywhere, i could hardly resist turning around and catching everysingle wave.

All the stuff about wave picking etc was there.. somewhere, faintly whispering to me. but the surf was so good i kinda just lucked it.
Did i catch waves?
A couple.
Did i stand up?
Nope. I only got onto my left knee and my right foot. three or four times. the last time i did it i say angrily to myeslf in the water NO KNEES! I think i'm mimicing pieter, or someone, saying, just don't even go there, knees doesn't lead to feet. just get onto your feet.
technically i'm useless again, but in that way that you know it will come flooding back when you spend a day or two at it. and partly because the cold was making me weak.

So i paddled around alot telling myself it was good exercise. loving the burn in my shoulders, and the pull on my obliques as i glide forward with each stroke. i love the water. i love feeling strong in the water. i'm sure we came from the sea because it is so natural and peaceful movement.

I'm alone on the waves, black seal like figures of surfers in suits, booties, caps, bob up and down off in the surf a way down. Everythings quiet, just the sea swoosh roar swoosh roar.
no pedestrians, no life guards, no screams of playful children, no motors... winter has definite benfits.

the cliffs are rich dark green plummage on grey and brown, very dark, and the light is really low and the sky is washed out granite blue. when the sun just winks out from behind the clouds the light is LIFE GIVING. but it doesn't really last, it passes.

It is cold, it is very cold. I don't sit up on the board cuz you need to be in the water to avoid the wind chill. My face is cold and my lips rubbery, i slap them together and go PAH! PAH! and stretch my face to keep it alive and moving, everyones face is bright red or purple.
My hands are cramping up, but thats okay, still good paddles.
But my feet are stinging. stinging. stinging.
I tell myself im a pussy and stay in longer.
probably about 45 minutes and then i've pushed it as far as i can and i'm too cold and i drift in to shore. by which time i can hardly paddle or kick and am just gliding. The waves seem so gentle and nurturing. Piha has so many personalities and is subject to change, just like a scorpion woman like me. Maybe thats why I never mind it.

What could be considered an unsatisfying surf by others was bliss for me.
At one point i just lie down on my board, stop paddling and close my eyes, and feel the rolling of the sea. Everything flows into each other, the sea lulls up and moves the wind the wind carves into the sea, and me between lulling in their peaceful love making. The trees echo this plump, circular dancing, swaying drunkenly, leaning down on us.

When i see my feet come out of the sea i feel justified in getting out, they are the white of white fish flesh, almost transparent. bloodless! numb.
With the air on my skin it is bullshit cold. I scurry to pull off my wetty and get straight into my clothes.
In the car i blast the heater as hot as it goes on my feet.
Myhead is swooning with the contraction of cold.
I scald the skin on my feet heating them in the car.

When i get home, i am greeted by warm loving pieter and a hot shower. i am calm and good, the only way i can be, for the first time in months.

It is Monday

My beautiful blonde honey man.
I love you so much I cannot stand it
you are a river of happiness, lets go to the moon
you are the northern lights
you are not really, you are just a boy
but you are bright and unfathomably beautiful and hard to believe in tho i see you with mine very eyes
so you can see how i got confused
just a thought of you, has as much calories as a piece of cake and i can eat you all day
you give me sustenance
first i put the pietnut butter on my clarebreadslice
I am toasty hot and you mix with the butter and melty drip down my holey bits
and together we are sooooo yummy
so yummy there isn't words
your little face
your blue eyes watery lovely squinty twinkly smiley bright blue eyes
that smile at me over the lip of the blankies big and wondering when i wake you in the night
smiling and trusting me eyes
your curly smiley lips
that open before even your eyes when you wake and i wake and we find each other again
and smile in the morning
smile cuz we woke up and found that we were together
and it is still the best thing ever and life is a happy tree
can you see a pea shell, a bright pea green pea shell?
with two bumps for peas
well in one perfect half is me pea
wave hello!
and in the other perfect half is you pea
little mirrors
little peas
shut the pea i want to sleep
hee hee
me and my chinese doll face tired sleepy happy clean puffy eyes in the morning sitting drinking coffee smiling morning love
want to wrap myself around you
and around
and around
and around
twisted and deliciousand
kiss your soft body with my squishy sexy belly jelly bits
you are a big laugh
a blue balloon
you are the best thing in the world
like those old play ground things with four seats and a wheel in the middle that you pull on
and it spins you round and round and round
and you know how it is SO CENTRIFUGALLY GOOD
and the more you pull the faster it goes and the better it gets and the faster you pull!!!!
right up until you feel really really sick
well thats how good you make me feel
without the sick bit
WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
even when you mad i wuv oo
cuz you not really mad
even when you beat me i wuv oo, cuz you are just trying to teach me to be better
and you only use phone books which don't leave marks
even when you grumpy i wuv oo
cuz you not really grumpy
you just being a lion
with injured pride
ROAAAAAAAAAAAAR
cuz i stung you with my heart shaped stinger tail and you jumped
but then we crawl back together
and it never lasts cuz i wuv you way too much to be mad at you
and you curl your tail around me and pull me into your arms
you are so gentle lion
endless gentle heart
you soften me
and turn my bad bits good
i love you if it burns down my forests
i love you even
when you drop crumbs in bed and spill your tea
and when you forget to bring me a towel
and leave me cold and wet to run down the hall
i always love you because ....
i don't know why
theres all those reasons but if all those reasons ran away i'd still love you
it's just a lucky happy thing i guess
you're gorgeous
My One And Only
Man

wassup

Good Morning
9am on a saturday is nice ahy. lying in bed with lappy, using the neighbours wireless to write bloggy, coffee taking the enamel off my teeth off, listening to my new CD - Nas - God's Son.
Nas is rad ahy. "All I gotta say is, if thats how people gonna get down, how we ever gonna get up?"

Like the pics?
Me and P went to see some of his mates Antix at Coherent last Saturday. See isn't the right word, dance to. We danced to. Its um, okay, correct me if i'm wrong P, it's sub, minimal, progressive, tech, house, with a shake of trance, and a pinch of techno. techno!!! the irony was not lost on me. A true skool hiphop, dub, and dnb girl having her virgin dance to electronic music.
we was irie.

See the hair in board pics. I never lie.

Highlights of the week:
Having my piano here.
My flatmate has the piano music for 'I'm Kissing You' from Romeo and Juliette. learning to play
it. first time i played it it made me cry. very beautiful.
Buying the hottest skin tight jet black pants from Kookai. hot hot hot. how shallow am i?
very.
Piet. Like having a birthday, everyday.
Getting Amy Winehouses first CD and rocking out to In My Bed in the car car.
Pulling off a really amazing training (running a meeting for a whole day in the board room and having my 'trainees' say i'm 'amazing' and 'inspiring' booya).
and i have a feeling tomorrow is going to be the highlight of the week
am taking little biggie my niece to 'butterfly creek' which is australisias biggest tropical butterfly ... aviary for butterflies. with a little train you can ride around, rabbits to pat and donkeys to ride.

butterflies, rabbits, trains and donkeys. gold mine.

te arai is .5m offshore. but gets a 0/10.
0/10
thats bogus. we prob go up anyway tho.
Next week up im' north for four days and maybe just maybe get to surf everday.
hallelujah.
life is gooooooood.


love ya'llies creepy crawlies
xxxxxxxxxxx

gold leaf

I want to take our pictures and paint them;
immortalise our figures
memorialise these days and nights
that grow with their roots in our flesh
a skyscape floating in our hair
birds, flowers and jewels floating in our hair
make canvas a mirror to catch the light of our shining likenesses
shining in gold paint
like human suns.

a dingo ate my baby

hi.
where have you been?
I've checked and checked for weeks but nothing. no stories. no blogs. no poems. NOTHING.

thats what you're thinking aren't you...?
i know you are.
you live and breath to read my blog and i left you high and dry.

well the thing is, blogging has become super low priority. i moved house last weekend and only this sunday have i made my room a liveable room.
and surfing, well. i'm ashamed to say, theres been very little of that either.
that sucks actually. going to get that train back on track pronto.
however i do have a wee surfing story that i find grotesquely interesting.

Do you remember me telling you a couple of weeks ago i got hit really hard in the head with the board?
well i know you're all going, yeah yeah, hit in the head, real hard.
like i probably wasn't that hard adn it probablyhappens quite a bit.
well, i got kind of a scab on my crown. and it was like, not a scab you pick.
as in, it did not feel surface scabby, it felt like it was holding some of my head on.
and i waited for it to heal. it took up until very recently to heal completely.
hang on..
yeah it's fine now.
well.
My stunning beautiful gorgeous boyfriend man bought a new board this weekend!
it's hot. it's classy, minimal, chic. 6.4 mal with a pointed nose, whats that a gun?
anyways, so we went up to te arai this saturday, it was nice
nice. the swell was tiny. piet said he was bored.
hahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaa
however.
in the rumble tumble of the surf i notice something on my board.
i'm in the water off my board and i pull it in and look up close, and there, on the rail, down near the fins, stuck into my board
is
SOME HAIR
like, a good bit of hair, more strands than you could count, and it is stuck in the board and drifts off from it in the water, a good six incheso f hair, floating there, from the board.
and i promise you it is my hair because i've never met anyone with exactly the same rust coloured strawberry blonde hair as me, and thats the truth.

so there, my good friends, in the board, where it CUT MY HEAD hard enought to TAKE OUT A HAIR SAMPLE, is some of my hair.

how ew is that? i go PADDLING back out to piet to show him going OOOOO bROOOOO You gotta see this it sSOOO disgusting.
he said leave it there! take a picture!
I'm like: so much.
so when i get my board out in daylight next weekend i'll take a pic and you can all see!
how revolting.
i feel sick just thinking about it.
hair.

te arai was pretty. blue blue blue. do you konw water is blue because it eats up red and yellow light? same with ice. not because it reflects the sky which is what i reckon 95% of the world believe. anyhoo.
it was like, a foot if it was that. but then a sneaky rogue 2-3 would come out. but alot of paddling round trying to find it.
I was just stoked to a) not have a hangover and b) be in the water feeling fit strong and not hungover.
um.
yeah thats all. sorry boring.
you tell me something.

whoosh. what a weekend. my head is spinning. spinning. spinning.
surf was GREAT. good lord.
Te Arai was idyllic. literally paradise.
wait wait. graduation on Friday night which was awesome, ceremonious, moving.
i felt proud. Of all of us. It was quite a thing. all the heads of faculty did wonderful rambling talks about dreams, the power of intention, our responsibilities in the world.
wonderful muscial interludes, didgeridoo and flamenco guitar together!!!
and then we went out, had dinner, got drunk danced!!!
I must claim responsibility for getting whole clubs on the dancefloor. GOd put me here to not only bring healing, but dancing, to the people, and I felt I met my task with enthusiasm and pizazz.
Pizazz is one of the Holograms. For those who know.
okay rambles. monday. arrhrhrhghghgh.
We slept til like, 11am and the fun of mulching around all day together trying to get away we ended up at Te Arai about 2pm. Surf was fucking awesome. what can i say. 2-3 foot, clean, offshore. couple of breaks. mean rip round the point. the kind of waves, that sitting here, remembering them, brings a longing ache to my throat.
We had a rad surf, everyone in the waters pretty happy cuz the waves are so good. GOod buzz.
Me and P catch a wave TOGETHER!!! it's stupidly rad and i laugh my head off on my board cuz of how cool it is to be riding parallel on a wave with my beautiful boy.
that called for a double high five later. yes may there be many many more.
I'm a bit gutted with myself cuz of being so tired go in real early. We switch boards cuz the aqua wave slayer is unbeatable and i head in w P's 7.9ft'er.
I clean off, dress. eat a killer smoked fish on focaccia s/wich and watch piet surf as th sun sinks.
sunrise is exceptional. colours line the sky and faze into each other without separation, lemon yellow, lime green, turquoise, lilac, peach, pink, china blue, and white clouds that burst and rumble like puffs of steam from a train engine and the suns last rays catch electric light on the clouds and right high up in the sky on the silver moon 3/4 full and shining like a chink of diamond.

It gets cold and i have to get into the car and put the heater on. i doze and read my book.
one by one everyone leaves the water except P. finally with the last slither of light left in the sky, P comes in, wide eyed adn euphoric. A magical magical evening for sure.
tired and relaxed drive home and crash.

Sunday is raining, the perfect day to stay in bed all day and watch dvds on the laptop but we check the surf adn it looks like its' going off out west so whats a girl and a boy to do!? you know it.
we hadn't even taken the boards off the roof so no sweat, eggs toast and coffee and we're back on the road.
Pihas pretty small actually, and its dumping. and high tide aint til 8pm. ahhh well, you get what you get. i'm still keen to be in the sea. wet bikini on, wet wetsuit on. wax up. into the roar.
The skies are grey, but big and open, not oppressive, and it's keeping the warmth in. and as such the beach is almost empty, a few people here and there, and it's quiet. it's really just surfers. a couple or two. one tourist. few kids on skateboards adn BMXs.

it's all about picking your spot ahy. first we head straight out the middle. piet goes off to back line. i try catching that middle break over by lions rock but it's bullshit. dump dump dump.
even the boogie boardesr with fins are finding it hard to get out.
you know that lefthander that barrells in the pocket over the otherside? i decide it's time for me and that left hander to meet. paddle the WHOLE length of piha agaisnt numerous rips. get over left and start trying to head out. adn i try for at least half an hour. comes a moment when i yell at the sky and am near tears with frustration, if i can't get out, i can't surf, I am like COME ONNNNNNN. yelling up to god up there in the sky. then god whispers something i don't catch which makes me think: whats teh lesson here? MUST be perserverance. its either head in, or keep heading out. not much choice then have i? not going in.
so i battle on out and make it out to back line, halelujah!
jesus these waves are fat. and they build quick. reckon it's 4-5 sometimes. waves come that i am afraid of and SO relieved to go THROUGH them. feeling bad, but glad not to be the people three meters back from me getting dumped on. i pick one, times right, push, paddle and catchit and i'm racing nose first down the face of it, see the nose hit the water, and hear the thwack of the wave hitting my body, and my body hitting the water, knocking all the air out of me.
it match sticks me. i hold my breath and wait.
when i pop up theres a dude looking at me with the widest eyes, he obviously sore it all and is kinda surprised i'm fine i think. we grin. i'm spluttering and coughing. head back out.
i catch two little ones on the way back out and ride them, i'm starting to turn and steer teh board a bit. radness. and i stand. rad.
paddle out again, can see my boy all this time,his boards too small for these freakin sledgehammers, he catches them but his board wo'nt stay underneath him, i watch him disappear into countless frothing jaws. we catch each others eyes periodically and grin. he waves me over sometimes, but i'm happy here.
the waves grow. it goes more and mroe offshore. but it's getting cold. and i've got to get to waiheke later.
i catch another mountain. jesus lord. it builds like it must be two meters THICK and then rises in half a second and snaps in half. again i get inhilated. this time the board gets me real good on the top of my head. i'm under the surf trying to find my head with my hands for protection.
that'll do me. i was brave. i made it out. i was scared. i faced it. i caught a couple. thats me.
P reads my mind and we meet up in the wash. he's getting cold and the boards not really working and we call it a day.
head in get hot chips and bail home.

i learnt some good lessons this weekend that i need to keep learning.
1)hangovers steal surfing from you
2)just keep going

happy elves.
i move this weekend. helalujah. no more rats in the roof. no more bed i don't even fit diagonally on. no more 3hours driving every day. and the rest.
happy happy happy.
:)

When I awoke you were still there, still you.

What parts of dreams are reality, all? in a twisting seemingly endless unsubstantiated drama unfolding as a spiral staircase that ends on itself and begins again going neither up nor down though you look hard and reach for direction.

Why scenes from my waking life, alive and walking like wolves prowling the night their eyes gleam and only their lack of shadows to tell me this aint real, this dream aint real.
I know it aint real, it feels like bubble gum.

I pre-empt you. Everything you say I feel coming in micro waves. Microcosmic blueprints of you projected onto me. Even as I unfold myself to show you my inner wolves and elves and wings, you are winding into this me of the now, becoming stuck in me now, like stripes in candy cane.
I think THIS is real. It feels like bubble gum.
We chew it up and spit it back and forth. Feeding each other like ravenous birds.
Having starved on fools gold, now taking our fill of hot stew.
So real. So real. So real. Like earth.
Cement it with a name. But care not to stifle this fragile dream with too much hope.

How much of my insecurity is my dreaming life built on. no, rather, how much of my dreaming life is the shake off of my insecurities. A great and heavy cloak made of the feathers of so many thousands of birds and the battered skins of creatures long extinct, with bloodshot arms I lift if off my back and toss it and the winds pull shards of me. The night takes hold of me. The dreams give drugs to my largest, darkest fears.

what is infidelity but a departure. A disconnection from the lock down we've been living in.
Head to head. mind to mind. hip to hip. mouth to mouth.
This dream that we are one.
An infidelity just admitting we can never be. Except for one saving grace,
we can choose to play fair and not to never hurt, abandon, or accident upon each other
but just to never cheat.

I lie in your dust. you future spurns out away from you and mine from me like ribbons in a deaf gale. gust of ribbons. The guts of ribbons. Spools of ribbons. Care for we are spilling bolts of cloth.


I lie here in your present. you in mine. what part of the dream is this? the finale? The end of The Great Romantic Nightmares, or the portal to the newest, ingratiating Dream.
We stand in a doorway continuing to breathe as from under cloaks our dreams come true.

thursday

Hi
did everyone have a good anzac day. ahhhhh i'm having to block out the conversation happening at work, about how the people in the countries where everyone is starving need to sort their shit out basically and stop expecting handouts cuz we can't keep giving them money.
Which was a conversation initiated by my boss saying i should have kids to 'keep the human race alive' and so that someone would visit me in old folks home.
save me.
or kill me.
or something.

I had a DELIGHTFUL anzac day. respec' all da boys who fought. it can't've been easy. infact i reckon thats the worst thing a person could have to go through. REspec' boys. you were brave and you served your country I respect you. we wo'nt forget.

I slept in. and then lay in bed working out how to do a powerpoint on my lappy, using the 'directive' layout and the topic 'how to become an actualised being'. very fun indeed.

til my beautiful boy turned up to come climb in with me for very i missed you huggles and kisses and smiles and giggles. all goodness.

adri popped over, he was meant to be coming surfing but couldn't, looked really drained. I gave him mushroom pills (of the non-hallucinagenic sort!), herbs and a back rub and sent him on his way. P and I boiled eggs and made sammies and racked up and shwoosh! were away!

I made us go to piha. maybe that wasn't the wisest. P's call was bethells. but i MISS piha. so piha it was.
Right on the corner where you turn to go to north (?) piha there was a parade with old vets adn the police and lotsa people and bagpipes and some kids with skateboards and lotsa old hippies. a right piha raggamuffin group. we turned down the radio and was like: yeah. respec.

It's like, 2-3 with some 3-4 and kinda dumping out the back, lotsa white, looks like a nice lefthander that one over by lions rock, and some nice small waves right in the middle. we suit up and shoot out. P goes out back. i do'nt. i do'nt think i can to be honest. i've lost heapsa strenght. grrrr it bugs the hell out of me.

spend like an hour paddling round, the wave is elusive. everytime you paddle to where the wave WAS it's shifted. this is so damn true of piha. goddam piha. like a woman on the rag. so changeable and unreasonable. but i still love'r.

Boy came back in a few times to hang w me, and take me out with him, but i can't get out, maybe i could've, i'm not really into it, so watch Boy paddle on out again. brave boy.

i try for the shore break but the tides not high enough and it' speople galore. i nearly cut the heads off two boys when my board shoots out from under me at the end of my ride. that was my best ride actually, cept for the ending. which was pretty funny to be honest cuz they both go
BIG WIDE EYES
DUCK
and disappear into the waves to miss it. we all come up grinning and me going: SHIT! SHIT!
you alright?! they don't seem to mind.

tired as. head in. p's already in. we eat eggs adn sammies and kiss and canoodle in the sand. his mate alex has turned up but we're so oblivious to company. poor bugger. The suns lost alot of its heat cuz it's autumn. it's kinda nice. milky. bright.

Schirin, nic, amy and kim walk past. piha girls. they're just heading out. so we suit up and go back in. i'm too tired though really. don't last long. lose sight of p and he heads out back. ahhhh, my boy. sorry. smitten.

I lie on my tummy for a bit just looking and feeling the water and the beach then head in. rinse, dry, dress, pack the boards up and go sit on the beach and wait to see him come walking out of the surf, dripping, seaclean, tired, strong, board under arm. something about that vision gets me everytime.
Dressed and in the car we hooooon back to town and miss the first six minutes of 300. but WHAT A MOVIE. highly recommended. gladiator meets sin city. all glory and nobility and honour and bravery, passion treason and warriors! i think people think it's a boy movie, but nah man, it's fantastical the way crouching tiger hidden dragon was. go see it. think i'm going to see it twice.

Wasn't it hot last night? i woke up several times casting off blankets and jumpers and opening the window.
this thursday feels like a monday. i'm sleepy. more days off!
i graduate tomorrow.
life is a whirlwind. i'm in a bubble of happiness bumping along on a rainbow ride.

:)

The kind autumn day we went for our first surf together

In the middle of the forest after very little sleep and a bit much wine last night and so much twisting in togetherness me dancing in my tights lots of talking in funny accents and making jokes and playing games then driving for hours laughing talking singing changing the music kissing you kissing me getting tired of being lost getting good again running up sand hills jumping off sand hills pulling on rubber suits jumping on boards and surfing paddling reaching pulling a catch of sea you're so brave so brave mister lion holding my breath panting pulling wading walking laughing surfing leaping up and falling down into the rumble tumbling washing machine surf popping up out of the white froth your wet hair dripping in your wet blue eyes, pooling as you look me in my wet blue eyes, so so alive, kissing.. smiling.. surfing...

Standing,
afterwards
bellies pressed together foreheads pressed together, bodies talking
simpler and truer words than our tired minds can say
Dripping, half in half out of wetsuits
cleaned out washed out worn out and
made good again
pulsing with tiredness, arms heavy, every heart beat a thud that rocks me
your heart beating pitting and patting beneath your ribs
beating against me, warm like blood like sunshine
black sand grits between my toes,
feet on a soft spongey bed of reddy brown pine needles
the light breeze, my balance wavers, i lean into your
cold flesh, sticky with salt
warmed with the white and yellow
autumn afternoon sun
that traverses through the long limbed straight spines of the pines
falling on us in sheets
warm like sun like flesh like blood

Quiet
everything gone but us, the trees, the birds and over the hill the sea
clean, the smell of pines, smell of sea
the sweet smell that is only you
the warmth of your blood and your intention warm
your belly tells my belly
warm and happy words
your face on my face
saying sweet and simple things

cold fingers trailing gooseflesh making paths
and tingling
shiverring, trembling
you're
kissing
me
the slippery satin of your wet lips and soft tongue and i am
swimming
in you dizzy and happy and my heart and rational mind not stupid or blind
and body we just feel well
all feels well

for the queen she was born

I've always liked y ou. Immensely.
It goes without saying.
When the world throws us filthy, dirty
ferosciously poisonous herbal pills
and we are wallowing in our muck, filth
shit, piss, blood and puke
we come out alive
and LAUGHING
God Bless Inangapooa
lest we forget.

You're better than me,
yet you give me your applause
You give me love that should be yours.
You hook me up, take me on tour.

Deep down inside you know i'm still that
bright, bubbly, buck toothed, strawberry blonde
in a rose covered two piece
trying to make the world love me.

Deep down inside I know you're still that
beautiful Irish Brunette
actress, model, poet, painter, starlett
in a pink polka dot one piece
trying to make the world clap.

It's the knowing,
all the knowing
that holds us.

P

Unusually lovely

Fading into sleep whispering to each other in the dark

I roll what I know of you around inside my cheek
Smiling in the dark
Holding back from sleep
So I can stay with you laugh with you play with you.

I don’t know all the things you are,
This is what I know so far
You are made of:

Light, your edges fuzzy and you glow white
You beamed up at me and from the first I could see
The way it filters through milk green leaves of forest trees,
Magical forests, ancient trees.

Rainbows dreaming bubbles
Glistening fragile happy

Belly talk.
And Beds that eat Shrawls.

One monkey, silly happy monkey mimicking me, my mirror, making fun but never mean
One Lion, beautiful and proud, nothing beats a lion, silly lazy lion, generous, kindly lion, lie in the sun and purrrrrrrr, my soft and lovely lion.

A big wooden sailing boat seen afar from the shore with sails full of wind
Rivers leading to the seas
Rocks rolling in the river beds
Traveler, roamer, nomad.

You are made of elf blood and blonde wood
Smoothed by centuries

You are so easy
So good and so easy

Fire. Metal. Earth.
Dancing in a burst of flame.

Eskimo in your oversized coat
Boarder collies

And most of all, Laughter.
Grows on you like a vine, and I wind you in mine, our mirth entwined.
Constant laughter. Hurts good and tight in your chest laughter. Curling up your knees to your chest laughter. Squeezing your eyes shut and gasping for breath laughter. Looking me in my weeping eyes and taking meylaughter, infecting me with your laughter.
Laughter passed between us like a big hilarious ball. Poor ball. Good laughter.

You are the feeling of happiness, curled around a smug as the cat got the cream.
The feeling of
Getting what you want.
And every minute
You surprise me fully and new
Because you are so much better than I could have ever known you would be.

You say fully and totally and hate rugby and dream about flying and tsunamis
Just like me.

And most importantly:
Know what you like, and like what you like, and like to like what you like,
And like to know that you like what you like

Are you getting this down?

can't keep up!

Things are happening faster than i can write about them.
And strangely now, i just want to be in them, not write about them.

Also 'im going to eventually switch to myspace, then i can upload songs, when i've recorded them. all in good time.

I have alice russell to tell you about, and a trip to rotorua and a triathlon!!!
we came 22 out of 147 teams, choice ahy. I swam James cycled I ran.
james is incredible. he pulls us from the top of the average pile to the middle of the winning pile.
We're going to nail it next year, reckon we could make top five.
and it's a world series you know. people come from all over the world to do it. amazing ahy.
i ran so hard i was nearly sick. thats the spirit.

And then theres coherent and karoke with dan and cam and dancing and laughter and meeting Pieter pan. :)

I have a poem in my chest that is rising like a tide, coming up in waves, creeping up my calves.

Will write it out when I can.

Currently sitting at work so unbelievably sleep deprived, living on happyness, water, coffee and rice being held together by a single strand of cotton and one piece of gum. When I fall over it will be into a deep dark cat purry bear furry cave of sleepy goodness.

Heres the start of the Alice Russell story. It'll probalby never get finished.

...

...

...

...





SHOOOOOEEEE!!!!!

Sometimes a thing is as good as you hope it will be from start to finish.

The DAY tickets for Alice Russell went on sale, with my heart pounding I bought two.
I felt like the holder of the last Golden Tickets, and one to spare for a lucky friend! I was going to make someones day really good.

I have all three Alice Russell CDs on constant rotation in the car. Alice Russell and the various remixes of her songs are pretty much the soundtrack to my life. Sometimes I feel like I only listen to other music so that when I come back to Alice I will appreciate it so much more.

For me it's the music I can sing my FACE off to in the car, long, loud, big, fat, screechy, high, deep harmonious notes. Funky soul, Love, life and Munkying around.

I took my partner in dancing crime miss Amy (soon to be) Joe. Me and Aims dancing together should be a illegal it's so good. She was the perfect compadre.

I've been verrrrry good lately, but despite the fact that I've got to do the swim and run of a tri tomorrow, in true self destructive style I had a few wee wines. Sometimes it's just really fun to be tipsy ahy?

The gig was in the Opium, in the Imax building on Queen St. What a classy joint. Far too classy to be in Auckland, infact it reminded me distinctly of Vintage in Welly. Up a Rose red carpeted and curling staircase which is a timetravel machine back to the richness and finess of the 1920s meets the brown wood and block colour of the 70s meets clean lines and minimalism of the 21st century.

As you enter you pass a wall of bar on your right, behind it a wall of opaque glass, backlit, reaching to the ceiling and an inconceivable amount of piss staggeringly lined up and up and up the wall. The bar is 3 people deep. Chocolate brown wood. Chocolate brown bar stools and couches. High ceilings, thats what gives the whole place a feeling of extravagance. The crowd is older than I expected, mid thirties professionals, and older.
Not what i'd expected at all, I feel like a kid who's snuck out of bed to peek at mum and dads party.

But then faces start coming out of the crowd, me and Amy spot all the kids that we know, I realise the other half of the crowd is that group of Aucklanders that is all one degree of separation from each other, rakinos people and musicians mostly. Everyone knows everyone. In Auckland it is as simple as that.

The main area bit has a leeedle tiny stage and then a leeedle tiny semi circular dancefloor that is hemmed by booths. Booths are staggered back and up, back and up. So it is mostly for seated gigs! huh! Each booth is a semi circle of couch, covered lavishly in rich velvety red covering swirling with floral art nouveau designs. Low dark wooden tables at their centre with glass candle holders and flickering candles dotting the dimly lit room.
Visually, it is rich and old style opulence like a christmas roast spread from banquet in the 1700s.
I can't take it all in.

The toilets have couches (when really all women need is two more toilets) but nice touch. All browns. Tiles. Mirrors. Spaciousness. Clean. And then more mirrors.
We mingle, lose each other, find people, chat. The support band is the wonderful Tara and The Tornado's which is (the ones I know) Tara from Opensouls on vocals, looking as stunning and glamourous as a woman can, owning the stage, pouring on the vocals, smearing us with her big smokey fire engine of a voice, Chip from Che Fu and the Crates on base, Isaac from all over the place on trumpet, a sax, guitar, drums.. okay sorry i dont' know them all.
It's the perfect precursor to Alice. It's big funky soul jazz and it's pied piper music and do we ever dance.
I am SO proud of us.
We dance immediately, a tall guy in a colourful paisley shirt goes straight to the front of the room and dances without any modesty using all of his limbs. We fill in behind him. We all dance. I can't really tell you what people look like because i grin and gleam at the band or have my eyes closed, i'm a bloody trancer when it comes to dancing, a world of my own.
It's big it's fun it's funky and it's getting hotter and hotter.
Small interlude then the main attraction.
We scream and squeal and yell and stomp and clap. Again I'm SO proud of us, Aucklanders usually lean back fold their arms and say 'oh yeah... 'sallright'
but not us, not here, we're the jump up and down types. ahhhhh i'm with the right people.
Out she comes, the white queen of soul. petite and curvaceous, a rocket in a five foot frame, an explosion dressed like a burlesque british babe.



...
...
...

we danced. danced. danced. screamed and yelled so loud for an encore that the noise was no longer sound but became vibration. I could have seen that concert three times in a row back to back.
never enough. can never get enough of that womans voice. I taped the whole thing on my fone, it's the most atrocious feedbacky screechy recording, but its so wonderful.

okay god. i'm supposed to be working. i have the most whopper to do list and am doing a training on wednesday. aieesh. four and one half hours to go. least i love this job so much i can do it sleep deprived.

one peice of gum and a single strand of cotton.

eeeeeee

like a little mouse
on a big wooden sailing boat
off to see the world

things that make me smile even on a shitty day

I was reading up about Rose Hips for work on one site it says "something something when the 'peddles' fall off the flower."
That makes me smile.

When the manager at Supre has to use a calculator to minus 13 from 20.
and gets eight.
That makes me smile.

Remembering that I am seeing Alice Russell tonight.
no matter what else happens today, thats where i'm ending up tonight.
That makes me smile.

:)

Me, Dan, Jesus and Te Arai.

Right after i finished writing that last blog it occurred to me that Te Arai would be in alright condition. I lept into action, board already strapped on from yesterday, left over pizza, towel, wetty, jeans jumper brrmmmm brrrmmmm.

I get to Te Arai bout 11 which was good timing cuz it's still offshore and 1-2ft. Never seen Te Arai so busy. Easter weekend ahy. but thats sweet. there was more of a varied cross section of surfers in the water including the real REAL beginners. so i didn't have to feel like THE pain in the ass in the water.

It was good, surfed for a couple of hours, not too hard work, few good little rides. Sun decided to come out. It was real nice actually. One wave I catch and I'm too far forward on my board, so I come sliding off the front of it, no biggie but this particular time my board pops UP! and comes straight down on my head. BANG! It feels like a punch in the head. And real loud.
I stand straight up and am like like OW! But when theres nobody to see or ask how you are theres really not much good in standing around feeling sorry for yourself. so i just jump on and paddle back out. I get out to backline and sit up on my board and my eye is throbbing and the whole left side of my head and cheek feels like it's standing out an inch from my face. I rub it hard, ow ow ow. and open my eyes and this guy is looking at me smiling like, you got hit in the head ahy.
Which makes me feel a bit better. it's stil bloody sore today you know.

Out in the water some older dude is like: catching much? I'm like, yeah a few, trying not to get in everyones way though. he goes: don't worry bout that just get in there.
oh nice one. you need to be told that by someone sometimes you know?

After a good effort, went back in and devoured cold pizza sitting on the bench watching the scene. Its so picturesque, surfers, families playing beach cricket, kids flying kites, toddlers waddling round like pigs in muck, kids from 8 to 15 learning to surf, mums in the water, you don't see much of that. Often i hate crowds, this day it seemed cheerful, like there is alot of good in the world.

Nick, the old surf dog from before, comes over and admires my board and we chat for a good hour. nice guy, been surfing for fourty odd years. lots to say. young mind. I think he wanted a surfing mate, i'm like sure, but you know to be honest, it's pretty hard to coordinate being able to go out. even me and pim can barely manage it. Also he tells me to keep my legs together when i paddle, to use my torso strength more. Gave that a try today and he's dead right.
Sweeeeet. good tip. He's all, ahaaahrgg you're so young! so free! you've got the surfing bug! you gotta go here, and here, and here. He recommends oz above everywhere else. He also offers for me to use the leftover water from his solar shower. AFter heating it on top of the car on the drive out, he rigs it to the nose of his board and leans it on the open boot. A seasoned surfer man. i pass though, can't really be assed.

Get a text from dan, yep she wants to do roadtrip and camp. i dunno whats happening in raggers and its' so nice here right now with the sun just come out and i'm like, i'll come get you bring you back up here ahy? how much do i love this girl!?!! pack up, and drive the hour and a half back to get Dan.

The passing lanes are really decent all the way up there, you never get stuck behind someone for more than five minutes. On the way home i get stuck behind a winnebago but this time i'm not so gutted. Theres a young boy looking out the back window at me, maybe 8 or 9. then his younger brother joins him, mayb 3 or 4 years old. little blonde bowl cut. They're looking at me, i'm looking back at them. Then the younger boy stands up and he's butt naked. He turns around so his bare little ass is facing me and starts waving it from side to side and slapping each butt cheek. Slap, wiggle, slap, wiggle, slap.

AHAAA!!! i'm cracking up. his brother is cracking up. As the winnebago turns a corner he teeters to onto one leg and collapses onto whatever hes' standing on, probably the bed. He kneels back down turning to face me, resting his chin on his hands and GRINS at me, grins and grins and grins. I grin grin grin back.

Onto a good thing, he's up again. Waving that little toosh and slapping it. he goes to the side of the camper so his body is hidden and pokes only his butt out, wiggling it and slapping it. I think i'm above it and stop laughing. But nah it gets me again. And I'm laughing real loud and real hard in the car. The wonderful surprising hilarity of this is enough to make the whole day a good one. I'm in the car not wearing anything under my tee and if that little bugger was sixteen or older i'd flash him right back. but you can't go flashing four year olds now can you. Even if it seems fair and square, you just can't. When they turn off at Waiwera I beep beep bee beep my horn. thanks for the entertainment ya little bugger.
And i'm in practically in Aucks.
Get dan, tent, supplies, cooker. hour and a half back. My car isn't black anymore, it's "off white dust", very now.
It even got tagged. ('sup mason.)

It says no camping down at the point, but people are camping. theres a whole frickend carlton party hire van and two cars and a massive tent with fairy lights and cookers and like, if anyones getting in trouble for camping it aint me and dan and our two man.

We pitch our tent and pour the ciders, crack open the snacks and get to chatting laughing ranting and drinking. We stroll down to the beach to watch the last of the sun saunter out of the sky. As Dan says: that so beautiful it makes my tummy go all tingly inside.
We retire to the tent and get to getting tiddly, reminiscing, telling great camping stories, and laughing our head off. We get all snoozy and it's only 9pm so we push it til about ten, but tireds tired. BEd down and I hear dan start breathing rhthmic sleep breathing. I've never been so comfortable cuz my bed at the moment is two short for me and in the tent i can spreeead out.
So it's all good but then a whole buncha kids turn up and light a fire and start playing the worst fucking music i've ever heard. It's hard to say what this genre is but it's like trance meets techno. and it's like all these old songs from the nineties 'remixed' so that they've got a base 'line' that is at least 120BPM. OONST OONST OONST OONST. It's music for people who take herbal pills and smoke P. muther fuckers. at first it's a bit funny, nah it's not that funny, but it goes on all night and i get the most shit sleep ever. The speed of the base makes my heart race, i can't quieten it for the life of me. I use every tactic i know to make myself feel calm and sleep. i nearly get hysterical and have to go over and plead with them, but somehow I eventually manage to get to sleep. probably about 3am.
ear plugs. ear plugs. ear plugs.

Because my body is tuned to wake up at 6am i do. tired, but thats cool cuz i get to watch dawn. (see pics.) It's dead quiet, the bad music has been turned off, everyones sleeping. just the waves crashing and the wind blowing and the sun rising. two surfers are already out and they rapidly multiply. its pretty small and onshore. but lots go out so i guess they think it's the best its gonna be all day. i ask these two german surfers what they reckon and they say, yeah it'll only get worse. but germans are typically pessimistic so i take this with a grain of sand.

Back to the tent and with one cooker, one pot and no spoons, like the true chefwhiz I am, I make me and dan poached eggs on toast and steaming hot coffee. mmmmm. mmmmm.
I have to admit to how bad i am inside, a black and rotten apple. When we left the house in a big rushing fluster, I grabbed the coffee plunger cuz theres no way i'm up there all day surfing without coffee. but i know, deep down inside in a part of me that knows these things, that jan will want that plunger tomorrow herself. i squash the thought.
when im' making coffee the next day i feel really realy bad. what a bad naughty selfish thing to do. like a bad child.
when i get home she (laughing) has me up about it. she managed to find an old one, which was good, but she tells me i better watch out now cuz she's going to do terrible things to me when i'm least suspecting, that i will live in tension, because she can be very wicked.
i apologise profusely but it's no good. i say don't start something you mightent win and she cackles, unafraid.

With my belly full of eggs toast and coffee and adrenals revving my motor, i suit up and head out. oh but wait, wheres my bikini top? it was hanging right there drying over night...
someones taking my bikini top. not my bottom, not my WETTY, and not dans sneakers, just my top. you know, that bikini is three years old, it's a one off cuz one of my best friends made it for me, and it's an awesome fucking bikini, but the REAL problem here is, i'm at the beach and i have no fucking togs. it's really more annoying than it is anything else. i have to suit up with nothing on underneath, it's not that comfortable ahy. Wetsuits don't hold your tits in. or up. and it rubs. you get the picture. I wish i could just find whoever took it for a laugh and explain all that to them. but you never can can you.

Theres are two sections of the beach that are forming good peaks, the point, and then fifteen metres north of that, which is where i head in. The suns coming up and it's warming up. theres roughtly eight to ten guys. i get out, am right in position straight away, turn paddle and catch a wave and just as i go to stand, a guy is there on the wave on my left and he goes SHIT and bails into me and i bail.
whoops. i dropped in on him and didn't even realise. he looks pissed off. i feel stink about it! i'm like sorry dude, he just waves his hand like whatever.

fuck man it's so shit. i feel stink and hang back a bit, but like, you have to be somewhat aggressive and go for your own, i barely catch anything, and if i can catch it, i have to at least try. also what dudes do is turn, do a few strokes like they're thinking of catching it, decide to wait for the next one and let it go, and i miss it cuz i do'nt want to poach, but if they'd left it i'd catch it. i don't really know the wave ettiquite (Sp) i try to stay outta everyones way. but you konw, a girls gotta go out for her own too. And sure, these dudes want you to be a little intimidated cuz to themyour'e just ain the way. but fuck, to me you're just in the way too bro. Also once or twice i'm fucking placed for a couple of big ones, the peak is behind ME and i just happen to be in the right place, more good luck than good management, and two dudes paddle in and take it. it's a dog muzzles in and takes your wave dog world sometimes. shit happens.

anyway it's all good. my board snaps away from me and hurts me knee one time. wish i had a spring suit and i'd strap it to my calf. next summer. Another chick comes out and shes rad. she's fully really really good. really fast and strong and just really good. yay i get such a good buzz from good chick surfers. it warms up. must be bout 11 and i head in to go hang with dan.

i go to change outta my wetty and realise i can't really hang at the beach all day with no bra no bikini, i've only got a tshirt and it's black. I suggest we go into mangawhai see if i can buy a bikini.
off we go, trip to town. score a rad new bikini on sale at the shop, just my favourite colours, i like alot. it all works out okay. blessed relief to be back in a bikini instead of sweating in black tshirt.

then we drive up to mangawhai heads cuz theres an easter market. it's pretty crafty, glazed pottery, big cotton clothing, paua jewellery, nothing real special but a good atmostphere. we get the best masala dosa ever for lunch and try on lots of weird clothes we'd never buy.
head up to the heads just for a peak and it's mushy cappy onshore crap.
so those bitter germans were right ahy.

head back to te arai beach and lie down for a nap. hot dudes to the left, hot dudes to the right. it's a veritable check out scene. it's hilarious. these three dudes are checking us out hard, dans just looking straight back at them cuz she's gotta boyfriend, she thinks this makes her immune, or invisible or something, a no score zone like home base, she doesn't realise that they dont' know and don't care. everytime i look over one of thems looking and grins. we just crack up. i roll over to get a nap. after lying there for twenty minutes suddenly three tablespoons of water come trickling from the deep recesses of my head out my left nostril. its the weirdest feeling bit like wasabi and makes my eyes tingle and weep.
it also makes me laugh it's so ticklish. we're sleep deprived, sun sleepy, giggly.
dan wants a swim so i accompany her. she holds her hands up by her chin and elbows tucked into her sides and doesn't go in far enough to get her pants wet. we're ridiculous.

then maybe it's pack up time cuz who knows how traffic will be and we're supposed to be going to a housewarming tonight.

make a swift gettaway that is retarded in its tracks my signs in WELLSFORD that say: traffic jam in orewa take alternate route. so we do. stuck behind ten grandpas in people wagons going eighty. we get to kaukapakapa before we get to auckland. i'm over it.
we both lose our steam and get real tired in the car.

FnC for dinner and watch a dvd. awesome. go easter. thankyou jesus for rolling that stone aside and coming outta that cave so that we may all have four days in april to kiss the face of a dying summer and get our washing in order. Amene.

Was thinking of cleaning room, gardening, doing washing etc today, but ended up at Piha having a surf. it was pretty nice, bit all over the place, had a good hour or so. The real nice thing was i managed to connect with nic, a fellow wellpark girl, and her flatties kim and amy, they all live at Piha, just up the road, and are as committed to surfing as me. wellll, maybe not that committed who knows. but very ace ladies, spent the arvo with them and they said come stay anytime. heres betting i will.
radness.

how was your easter?

why do things work out the way the do!?!?!?!?!?

arraahrhrhahghghg.
i'm sitting here dying fucking dying for a surf. fucking dying. i'd get up and go anywhere right this second for a surf. but i said to dan we'd do a road trip so i'm waiting to hear from her. cuz she's got to do a lesson first. We were going to go to raggers but the surfs fucking massive and it'll be onshore all arvo. pims there and he's giving me constant updates, i just missed the wind turn east and it go small and glassy. i'm friggin dying inside!!! ahahahrhrrh.g the only place that looks good is shippies but it'll be a full tank in my hummer, which is a hundy, which just makes me cringe. still.
we were at piha yesterday and it was so unbelievably shite, that i didn't even go in.
now i wish i had. there weren't even waves it was crumbling mushy onshore as. there was two people out and they were really good. just as we left it got a bit better but we were all starving and ready to gt home. shit goddam.

So I go get dan yesterday for breaky and who's on her couch but Big Bud this pretty big deal DnB Dj from the uk.
www.myspace.com/bigbuduk
long story. but he buys me breaky cuz i'm so broke, which is real nice of him, so i drive him to swanson, so we all hang out at piha and now he's our mate, lovely lovely guy, even let some french surf magazine use his tunes for their dvd for free, cannot WAIT to see/hear that. and he's like, you coming to the concert? we'll work out the door list.
but the night of the gig
I"M
DOING
A
TRI
IN ROTORUA
AT 6am in the morning the morning after the gig this friday.
and i'm also going to Alice Russell
THANK YOU LORD
the night before.
you can't party to all hours on a thursday, get up for work at six, finish work and dance all night to 2am, drive what, four hours to vegas, put on a wetsuit, swim a k in the frigid goddam waters of blue lakes, wait for your mate to cycle, then run 11k off road.
you can't. no one can.
it's fucked up.
his tracks are the raddest and hes such a nice guy and all my mates will be there and our names will be on the door and where will i be while they are euphorically dancing their asses off? i'll be eating pasta getting an early night in some foreign motel room with decor from the seventies too nervous to sleep. wearing a wetsuit shivering in the coldest water in nz.
bullshit.
i've got to go surfing right now i'm getting really really grumpy.

one thing makes it all okay, say it with me now
ALICE RUSSELL!!!!!
lets say it twice for effect
AL
ice
Russ
Ell
yaaayayayayayay
suckers.

cobwebbed cats and cockroach sex

my friend andrea in london sent me a link to her blog and i went and had a look and you know what, her blog is cheerful, brief, light, and funny. The complete antithesis to my blog which is long winded, heavy, solemn and vaguely depressing. Opinions please.

I"ve decided to take a web page from her URL and lighten mine up.
Heres the thing i laughed most at yesterday:
The way cats hate water and when you bath them when you're a kid and they're your baby and they hates it and their claws come and and cling to the porcelain on the bath and go all rigid and it goes Sreeeeeeeeeekchhhththch.
The way cats come in from fossicking under the house and stroll past and look at you all nonchalantly and dignified sniffing the air, not knowing that they are COVERED in cobwebs. hehehe.
and finally.
My aunt bought coackroach traps for her house where i'm staying. i'm like, weird, whats the bait? Is there like some sexy female cockroach in skimpy clothes with a pole doing sexy dance wiggling her hips going: COme'ere babeee.
and jans like; pretty much! it's got the sent of cockroach sex on it and it lures them in.
outrageous!
then i'm like, but how does it trap them? she's like: they stick to it.
this makes me all sad and worried and grossed out, so to assuage my distress she says:
oh yeah but before they die they're absolutely GOING FOR IT
and she is kneeling in my bedroom and starts imitating a cockroach having the shag of his life.
This is very funny. hehehe.

When i got to Te Arai today, about 11am, it was about the best conditions I've ever surfed in. Yep, I think the best.
It was always going to be East coast this weekend cuz it was fully choppy onshore on the west.
It was good to get the change of scene too.
It was drizzeling when i pulled up and only two or three other cars there. never know if this means shit conditions or just better somewhere else or i've lucked in and noones clicked yet.
The rain is light and just makes you damp. The sky is low and titanium white with swirls of oily grey, not oppressive, not bright either.
Me and two dudes stand on the hill and survery. It looks fucking primo to me.
It's 2-3ft and 100% offshore and every line is surfable wave that barrels. Get me in my suit.
I start changing and a couple of cars pull up and these dudes get out and then funny shit, these two surfers come over the hill and someone asks them how is it and this funny dude goes:
Oh man it was mint all morning but it just went to shit 20minutes ago.
THis is a surf joke man, no fucking doubt.
Then to ice the cake he goes:
And man saw a hammerhead out there ahy, coming straight for me.
For a split second we're all like: what?
then realise he MUST be kidding and everyone grins and two dudes from another car start going: shit man, did you hear that? he said there were hammerheads out there.
and his mate goes: whats that? two hammerheads?
nah man, at least three. big fuckers.
haha. we're all grinning. glad i'm not the only one here though ahy cuz i'd be going
reeeeeeallllllyyyy?

When i walk past him heading to the beach he says: good luck out there.
I'm like, what? with the sharks?
He and his mate are like, yeah.
I'm like, oh hammerheads are my favourite shark so i'm happy. and grin.
they grin back.

It's real clean, theres pretty much no white wash and i go straight out to backline like i told myself i would! Get out there and this wall of water starts to build, i'm going to sail up over the top of it no worries, but even so my heart starts HAMMERING in my chest, i'm sure i can hear it on the board! i put my chin down on the board for a second and grin to myself.
yup, a bit scared. heh heh.
They're real easy to catch and i get a few and then about twenty five minutes of goodness later the wind changes and the tide turns all at once and it starts closing out and being abit on shore. Still surfable as though.
Yeah its' wicked. They sky is all blue and purple like a bruise. and Te Arai.. man, for an east coast beach it's got so much grit and personality. dark dark pine green pines line the dunes and the dunes are crumbling like mounds of ginger crunch and it's just immense, i reckon you can see three different weather systems on the one beach.
The waters really beautiful sea green (coming out with all the adjectives!!) and i remember what i'd forgot about backline, it's very still, and very quiet.
Theres just me and one or two other dudes at this spot.
Today I had the best ride SO FAR. I caught this nice sized wave at the perfect time, up on the lip and then coming down the face of it, manage to stay back on the board and keep from nose diving, then i'm riding it, can stand up a bit from a crouch, felt kinda effortless too, thats good timing i reckon. Yeah that was definately my best ever drop in. And i was just starting to get too tired to keep paddling around and then that gave me all the energy i needed.
And Pim turned up in the water and saw it and grins and is like, very nice man, very nice.
Paddle back out. I've been out at least an hour and getting tired but dont' want to go in.
Managed to clear a whole sunday for this and theres nowhere i'd rather be at all.
It does get rougher though, pim calls it hard work, i think he's a pussy basically cuz west coast is hard fuckign work, this is just perserverance. ha. no fence pim. maybe he's just being sympathetic to me. i'm like fuck off i've already been in here over an hour, maybe an hour and a half!

yeah anyway rad day. funny how one good day can restore your faith to maximum strength.
I'm going to get better, i am getting better, thats all that counts. no no, just being there counts, but you know me, and you know i have to succeed at things or i can't take it.
sure i could just change the orientation of my personality, or i can succeed.
succeed it is.

told pim i was fatigued and heading in for lunch. with the finest of company of Pepper Dog I ate left over rice noodle, mushroom, tuna, onions, brocolli, olives in coconut milk sauce. gave the last few forkfuls to pepper who cleans the box spotlessly.
then left over apple and feijoa crumble with rice milk. leftovers to pepper.
after cleaning the lunch box she notices a few oats on my calf and promptly licks them up too.
i love this dog. and talk about zero waste. heh heh.

me and pepper sit on the beach and watched the long boarders come out, and watch the short boarders stand on the hill and curse their timing. refrain from saying, it was shit hot earlier. but it really was. chilled for about 40mins with pepper on my toes for warmth, then needed more warmth than one good dog and split.
pepper walked me to the car.

On the way out to the beach today i was nearly in tears. i've been feeling really down all week actually. to cut a fucking long whinge short, i'm not a capitalist at heart. these are not my values. this is not the way i want the world to run. I'm caught in the Capitalist rat race and the air in this city is poison. Sitting idling in my car burning fossil fuels and fucking with the environment.
I got burnt at the beach last weekend and my face practically peeled on the spot.
Buy sell buy sell consume consume consume. It's bullshit. We've got our values all backwards.
ahhhrgh.

I'm also having recurring dreams that i'm trapped in a black, airtight box.
i wake, panic stricken, whimpering, to terrified to even scream, and run my outspread hands feverishly along the wall looking for a crack, a door, a window. I sit up straight in bed and feel like i'm suffocating, slowly coming to, taking gasping breaths, the light from the window starts to come into focus and i lean to the curtains, tear them back and gaze with my eyes as hard open as they can be, into the night, trying to get some space into my lungs.
It's claustrophobia basically. real bad. at night. it's terrifying.

But right now i just feel weary, clean, sleepy, and happy. A little bruised and achy.
and i'm bobbing up and down in my chair like the way sailors get sea legs. surf legs.

anyway enough from me.
peace out people.
be nice to each other.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

A Story Just For You

When the milky light of dawn begins infusing with the blue night it is 5.49am and I am blazing down Piha road with night trailing me. The roads are almost empty and I am having a thrilling drive. With the roads empty I am able to put my foot down and see what The Black Pearl can do. Anything. Everything. She purrs.. ducks, dives, holds the corners and glides down the steep declines to the black coast.

The carpark is empty and the beach is bare. It looks so much more beautiful without it's usual rash of human activity. There is now enough light to see the waves. Line upon line of swell pushes it's chest forward and curls it's white lip, tipping it's chin and rising up, gathers all its might and clubs the beach. It's that size that makes me feel fearless. Small and clean. I get into my suit and am just pulling my board out of it's bag when Pims Landrover pulls up along side. Pim and Pepper jump out. Good morning!

Out back it is tubing, spraying from it's lip.

I hug Pim but can't wait around for him to suit up. The sand is black and cold. I am the only human on the beach. Piha feels small, and beautiful, the way it is meant to be, relieved of it's affliction as a sunday holiday park beach resort.

The cool water trickles around my ankles and lures me in and in. Dawn is seeping into the sky. I am here, now.

I fling myself onto my tummy, my board under me is a faithful friend. Paddle out to the middle and catch a small wave straight off and stand, ride, ride. Back to the beach. Pim passes me with his 9footer and heads straight out back. Surfers in their suits are all hopping down the bank, their white feet and hands like beacons in the half light, white boards underarm. Most go up around the rocks to the other bay. Must be bigger round there, which is fine, because it leaves me the entire beach to myself.

Dawn. I am absolutely filled with the goodness of this earth and her seas. The beauty is energising. I've never seen piha under this light.

To the west a lilac and soft pink wash overlays a melty, baby blue sky and milky, creamy yellow light streams in from the East over the heads of the Forest trees. In imperceptable increments yellow light leaks into the day.
Day. It is day. Today this is the only day there is and I just saw it being born. The waves are so friendly and calm, even the rip isn't it's usual strength. I ride a couple in. Paddle back out. The air is cool and clean. The water is slippery. It pools and puddles whirs and stirs, never for a moment still, I kick my feet into it for fun, I bob along ontop, use my paddles and feet to turn, go forward, under, through, turn, paddle, rise up.... miss it, bob back down to sea level.

I have to remind myself to look around, look up, look at the sky, the forest, the horizon. Breath in. Smell it. Taste it. When I look at the beach, Pepper is sitting still on the sand, watching me, waiting for Pim. Everytime I look she seems to be watching me. Pepper is the only dog on earth I've ever liked. Most humans, from the shore couldn't pick me in the waves, but pepper somehow knows, and she's watching. I feel accompanied, I feel safe.

The swell drops and the waves are losing their power so I think now I will go out back today. Today. nothing can go wrong Today. I paddle out and dally around, indecisively wanting to catch every semidecent wave, then reminding myself sternly to go out to back line. I can see a group of surfers sitting, waiting for the set and I long to be in their company. Meet their eyes and feel the same, have the same experience, look at each other and know the same thing. I paddle hard. I turn my head to the left and see that despite my paddling I am stationary. A big set comes and I can't make it out.
I give it a few more goes but I'm exhausted. Back line next time I promise myself. Just then I see Pim gliding down a metre of wave, dancing to the top end of his long board, walking to the nose and gripping it with his toes, taking a step backwards to balance. I see him come off and his board shoot into the sky. I turn and catch the next wave in. Work calls.
As I walk up the beach Pepper trots happily over and licks my extended hand. Hello. Then turns and goes back to waiting for Pim. The personification (animal-ification?) of loyalty and devotion.

My body clock is spot on. It's 7am, time to hit the road. I can undress in the carpark and no one to see. I pour a bottle of fresh water over me as way of shower, shorts and hoody on, rinse my feet.
In, engine on, sterio blasts back into life Shapeshifter pours into the car, heater on my feet, foot to the pedal and go.

Again the road is pratically empty of cars and this drive, as opposed to being as usual frustrating, is liberating, like rally driving, especially in this fucking excellent automobile.

It takes me an hour fourty to get to Penrose. Not bad really. Sitting in traffic I tilt my chair back and close my eyes and take red light power naps. Then am overcome by hunger and eat some of my lunch, left over curry, with my fingers (no fork), slopped up on a piece of bread. A kings breakfast. My arms are so exhausted that when I try to get my jumper off it takes two attempts with an energy pause in the middle. ha.

I'm sitting at my desk, just showered and switched the 'puter on. The mobile coffee lady has turned up and she JUST put a steaming hot cup of soya latte on my desk infront of me. The smell of coffee is perfection and happyness coiled around each other. I wait a few seconds, inhaling, the anticipation almost as good as the having.

When I get your email you say this is a horrible week. Yesterday the worst day. How can everything be so wonderful for me, so terrible for you, when we live under the same sky, in the same city, at the same time.
I cannot console you because words are only trite in the presence of grief.
But I do know, sharp as a needle, keen as an axe, that all of the beautiful things that happen, are fleeting, but having them is still everything there is. Like one dawn. Like one kiss. One love. One day. One friend. And one moment of laughing, knees curled to my chest, and making you laugh back.

scattered momento's

to change topic entirely for it has all gotten so grim
so grim
it pulls at its wirey grey beard hairs
and ahums
ahum
it grumbles with knotted knuckles plucking at strings of thought
skin around its eyes, taught
creased by thought
vertical cravasses of worry concern paths through the mountainess forehead
old man grim.
worn thin.
Looking up from under his brim.

So, a momento of love:
A moment
for love
when all is escaping
a whisp caught in your breath taking


He turns me so my right side is up.


He looks up from under his double arched brow, with big open bean blue eyes, his shoulders hung in defeat and comically, humorously, he is miming "can you believe this!?"
It is the first time I have seen him make this gesture. I gather it up, fold it with care and lay it with my pieces of him that i like, and don't like, they're just him.
Just him.


Glistening, bristling, shining, twinkling,
bones of carbon granite
flesh as rich as pomegranite
with your convoluted ideas
opinionated fingers jabbling holes in the air.


From under the fold of the fall of dark
it's ink hair
I have come up.
For air.
To Express Fully The Light Of My Soul.

hmmm
how'm i gonna find time to write this blog now.
The weekends events were pressed together like a squid in a bread bag. Only two days to do things now! And do things means surf, of course.

Sunday, surf should've been good but was messy if you ask me, didn't touch backline.
Pants went out, and Holland was there too, but no one was really stoking out.
Disturbed was I, to find, that after two weeks practically no surfing, I'd lost the knack of standing up. Fuckbuggershitballspantstitsandcunts.

I came out of the water disheartened and was thinking of telling you all that I was no longer a surfer. Sure, I have a wetsuit and a board, and i go into the water wearing one and attached to the other. But thats not surfing. ahy bro.

Saturday cleaned up just a little and for some reason the rip wasn't so strong, this meant i could surf the shore break when the waves reformed without expending all my energy paddling across the goddam rip. Was just different, didn't feel worried bout the waves at all, went out in the middle too where there was a small but decent little right hander.
There was a school or something, a handful of younger girls being instructed by a dude. Made me feel really safe, like if that eleven year old is happy to drift into that rip, how bad can it be?
Do i sound very chicken? It's all relative.
Took me all session to get back on my feet for real. in a three step process though, push, kneel, stand.
Easter next weekend! yaaaaay. get the standing up in one go thing back i reckon.
Met a friend of a friend, Nic, another naturopath, who lives at piha so she can learn to surf.
Effin ahy girl.
She said come out for easter lets get surfing.
Won't say no to that.

J came out and took pics of Piha and me, so I'll get to see how ridiculous this all looks for the first time.
Radness.
I have other stories! About my reunion with the people I know from PLAYCENTRE!!!!
but not this morning, not time.
yaaaay! monday.
I love mondays.
Ka kite ano.

see?

ROME - With climate change now adding to the pressures, sharing rather than warring over the world's resources of fresh water represents the "challenge of the 21st century," the United Nations said Thursday as it marked World Water Day.

"The bulk of that challenge lies in finding more effective ways to conserve, use and protect the world’s water resources," the U.N. Food and Agriculture Organization said in a statement.
Already 1.1 billion people lack access to adequate clean water and, with the world's population set to grow from the current 6.5 billion to 8 billion by 2030, 1.8 billion people will face water scarcity by then, the Rome-based agency estimated.


That growing population also means that "14 percent more freshwater will need to be withdrawn for agricultural purposes in the next 30 years," the FAO stated.
FAO Director Jacques Diouf said the repercussions of not meeting the challenge would be enormous. "Water conflicts can arise in water stressed areas among local communities and between countries," he told a conference marking World Water Day.

"The lack of adequate institutional and legal instruments for water sharing exacerbates already difficult conditions. In the absence of clear and well-established rules, chaos tends to dominate and power plays an excessive role," he said.

Warming 'raised the stakes'The FAO added that "climate change has raised the stakes" since some studies indicate that warming temperatures might cause more frequent droughts as well as more intense storms and flooding, "which destroy crops, contaminate freshwater and damage the facilities used to store and carry that water."

"Particularly vulnerable to climate variability," the FAO said, are the world's poorest farmers, who "often occupy marginal lands and rely on rainfall to sustain their livelihoods."
In a report on the state of the world's water resources, the FAO concluded that "climate change is expected to account for about 20 percent of the global increase in water scarcity. Countries that already suffer from water shortages will be hit hardest."

The agency also cited a 2006 study by Britain's weather agency concluding that with no mitigation of climate change, the severe droughts that now occur only once every 50 years would occur every other year by 2100.

To improve cross-border cooperation on water use, the 10 countries on the Nile River are negotiating a water sharing agreement that the FAO hopes will be a model for other areas where the scarce resource can be shared peacefully.

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Two things I have heard this week have drawn into real question my desire to have children.
Firstly i'll define that desire, it's not a real want, not like I feel a want in me, it is just an unchosen inevitability that I embrace and loosely plan for without real attachment to. But still, loosely, winding, wend towards.

Or it has been.

The way we live on the earth is unsustainable. This is no longer deniable or questionable.
Plan fucking B dudes. This isn't working. It isn't working, and it's never going to and it's all going to fall down and the time to act is nigh.

A clever person I know pointed out that if the generation approaching child bearing age, would globally decide to be one children families, we would half the population, and the overburdening of the worlds limited resources would ease, and possibly those remaining single child people, would be able to live a decent existence.
Of course it rings of communism and facism and marxism (no i don't know anything about marxism but it was bad wasn't it?), and noone would buy it. But actually, we're not really in a position to be choosy.. are we?

Secondly I was watching that programme Wasted last night, so bored, it's a reality show where they go to peoples houses and show them how they're wasting money and resources, and damaging the environment, and get them to shape up and save money.
It's terrifying.
It's terrifying to know that everything you do is harming the planet.
A comment was made about water, that in fifty years, drinking water will be so scarce, 'scientists predict' wars will be fought over it.
The way today they are fought over oil.
I can't imagine the terribleness of there not being enough water.
I feel desperate just thinking of it.
And no way do I want to have children only to land them with that kind of life sentence.

My teenage years were plagued with an undercurrent of anxiety, about loans I couldn't pay back, certainly that, but also about the planet. Greenpeace, whales, dolphins, rainforests, mcdonalds, terrible things were happening, and I knew, but I didn't think I was really expected to do anything, not me, uppermiddleclass semi bohemian white bread suburban teen. not me. I cared, but what I mostly had to accomplish was coolness. Thinness. And coolness.

But certainly in adulthood (i stand on it's doorway and nonchalantly scraping the mud of childhood from my boots) that once undercurrent, has risen to a chorus, a constant drone, an OVERcurrent, actually, it's the theme, of my now existence.
Not just anxiety, but real fear, real sadness too, desperate frustrated anger, worry, guilt, lots of guilt. Hopelessness. Frustration. Anxiety. and then tiredness. Which leads to inactivity and apathy. Which is depressing.

New world order. Running out of water.

When I think of the end of the world, whatever that means, whatever I feel, is tinged with resignation, and relief.

So anyway, thats pretty much saying it ahy, but it's true isn't it? Like fleas on a cat, you just need to look, it's there, all there, eating away and spreading daily.

I met a bartender one night who said he and his partner, wife maybe, had consciously decided never to have children. He also explained that they got alot of flack for it. I said, fair enough, but I thought, god really?!

And now, yesterday, I've had a shift in consciousness and I see it.
It's like a global responsibility, mixed with love and compassion for your unshed progeny.

What this then means, and this is perhaps the more impacting realisation, is that I'm done.
I'm fine. I don't need more money that I have. I don't need a house, though I'd like one and will still get one. I don't need to build a fortress and harbour reserves. I don't need stronger materials for my nest. And I don't (hallelujah!!!) need a relationship that will last forever.
I can have relationships and they can end, which is what they do, and there are no dire stakes. No must bes. No definates.
That is saturated with relief.

I remember my mum telling me how she hit a wall at one point in her life as a mother, and felt terrible for bringing US into the world, the cold hard doomed world.
And at times I have thought: Yeah, well?

Then tonight over a wine my dearest most wonderful friend who is newly engaged and facing all sorts of realities I've only heard of, about weddings and lifetimes, said, yeah and heres me, facing the person I KNOW i'm going to have children with, KNOWING i'm going to have children, looking at bunks with draws in furniture shops and feeling really excited!!!!

and yeah, thats cool too.
Thats cool too.
Maybe this is a phase everyone goes through in their late twenties.
What do you think?

addendum to goodness

Then sometimes good things are big and loud and real and oh my gosh!
like my wonderful new job that I LOVE! every bit. that is challenging and interesting and is doing something i love that i'm good at and i'm learning and dealing with people and helping people and making decisions and being creative and lots of flexibility and my wonderful coworkers who gave me water lillies and said welcome to the family.

And look, they gave me a hummer, but they plant NATIVE TREES! to offset their company trucks and cars, so that the vehicles are 'carbon neutral'. isn't that nice? and they recycle.
so it's not so bad.

And they're flying me to south africa soon, for some training, whatever it's really just to meet everyone i think. To capetown i think, oh my god, everytime i think of it my heart does a little jump and clicks it's heels together like a wee irish leprachaun.
It's as if i only need to say: i'd love to go to south africa. and god puts a ticket in my hands.
Ever does she love me so with her endless bounty.
How did i get so lucky?
I hope you are all as happy, everyone should feel like this.
Let me take you to dinner and treat you lavishly and tell you wonderful funny stories and whisper in your ear so it tickles and get you drunk on whisky and dance with you so that we can all be happy.

And daylight savings. Wasn't it nice to sleep in?
It doesn't contribute to surfing, and people are against it, but i like dark evenings.
Warm dinners. city lights on dark cities.

Big and loud and oh my gosh.

good days

Sometimes life is so nice
in the smallest of ways
sometimes joy can come
and it doesn't need to be from big loud things
sometimes a perfect day is when nothing goes wrong
and little things make you smile.

I climb up into your jeep.
I love climbing UP into cars.
And the jeep feels like adventure.
Without warning your dog gives a single lick
to the bottom of my ear.
its warm, wet and tickles
it says: hi
I feel liked, and welcome.
And we're off.

Whatipu is so much more wild than any of the other west coast beaches i've been too.
I love the West coast, that there is an element of fear about it.
The reeds and low bushes are damp and rich opaque greens and yellows and greays. The sand is so black it is midnight blue.
leaves and reeds trace their fingers on our calves. Pepper has to stay at the car. No dogs on the beach.
we stumble up the path and out into the open jaws of the wild west coast.
The North Westerly tears down the beach face with nothing to hit against and dim it's racing speed, whipping up a sheet spray of sand that catches and stings your ankles.
In it's race it catches our words and they spin away behind us in a wake. I put my hood up and the noise of the day is like putting your ear to a shell.
The tide is out. Black mounds like the backs of small whales clustering together, create shallow pools between them of varying size and depth. Ankle breakers. You won't take your shoes off and so have hopscotch across. 6 feet of legs and leap. I can dance through wade through splash through throwing up a veil of spray legs stinging with salt feet having the time of their lives mulching sinking squelching.
We walk out to the waters edge, it feels a long way from home.
There are no people. We are alone. Save for the island with the lighthouse.
Emptiness.
Waves come from all directions and crash into each other.
The skyline is unfamiliar, unfamiliar wind carved rock faces and rolling crests of hills covered thickly with native forest.
Going to places for the first time.

I went to look at a flat in the evening. I'll tell you two things about it. 'My' room, has wallpaper that is pink and silver stripes, like barbies handmirror. It has squares recessed into the wall like built in shelves, covered too, lackered, in pink and silver paper. It catches the afternoon sun but that only makes it look more like a cake.
In the only communal space, the kitchen, dining room, lounge, there are posters of expensive cars, and pictures of girls with perfect asses and unnaturally big breasts, alternating, in a line, not scattered but in a horizontal line, the whole way around the room. A trim, of cars and breasts.
You are a car photographer. You will not hold my glance but duck and hide your eyes behind your cap. I distrust this in a person.
There is a moment when I"m leaving (a moment after the car picture revelation) that I know, and you know, that I don't want to live here, and I don't think you want me to either. The moment is very uncomfortable. and then i turn and walk out the door and back to my car and the moment is over forever.
And that is good. it makes me smile. to get in my car and drive away. A world of better possibilities opens their arms.

To be heavy with tiredness and to sleep.
To think, just before you fall, I'm going to go to sleep now, hard and heavy and stay that way all night.

frames, shame and automobiles

So I drove me and Dan around all day yesterday in my car and that was fun.
The day punctuated with 'i wonder where the ....... is? Get out the manual!
I wonder how you put the windscreen washer on, I wonder where the cigarette lighter is (to charge my phone)
Dan read the manual aloud to me and like all good manuals, it sounded like they'd missed out a few CRUCIAL words or translated from japanese: Dash drop push button top top steering wheel turn wiper six setting int.

????

It was fun. We were like two little girls in their dads stolen car. Dan said dads car. I said NO SEXY CAR!!!! she said, ahhh okay sexy car. She may never learn.
It took me 5 attempts and making Dan get out to look to parallel park the beast.
I nearly gave up. Dan said: you weren't going to give up. She's probably right.
And I worked out the six CD changer, bought three new cds and pumped them on the wickedly good sterio.
And now, tired from playing, the guilt is settling in.

The planet is going to hell in a handbasket and I just joined the front of the line of excessive consumption of unsustainable resources.
War ravages the planet, the most horrific inhumane atrocitites occur billions of times every day in almost every country except this one, and oil, has it's finger on the trigger.
It feels like a complete suicide of my value system.
And just when I was getting un-characteristically un-apathetic enough to start doing something about the things I care about.
How can I turn up at 'save te arai' rallies in a hummer. practically a tank.
oyeish.
somebody help me. I haven't got the answer to salve my wounded sense of justice. I cannot reconcile my expectations with my reality.
You know, i love this planet, with real feeling. Like a parent, or a child.





in other news
lately i've been thinking alot about the apparent fact that we all can only see things through our own framework. I actually see a frame, held around our heads, this that we can only see through.
Through the experiences we've already had, these mould our brain to expect certain experiences.
I remember learing about the part of the brain (don't ask me what part! ha) that had the job of recognition of items already encountered. They gave the example of putting your hand into your pocket and finding a coin there, and recognising it as a coin by its shape, texture, weight, because you'd encountered a coin before.
Ever felt something and expected it to be one thing and it turned out to be another, how the brain swells.
These experiences must get somewhat ingrained, and experiences we have alot of, must take the forefront in the list of possible interpretations.
Especially in reference to people.
Don't we ONLY have reactions to people and things, in relation to all the other things we've encountered?
Don't we only have emotions or feelings about a thing, because of all the things we associate it with? That may be unrelated save for our own, personal, utterly unique pick-a-path history of experiences?
I am constantly in a state of approval and disapproval of my environment based on things that have already happen. Everything is nostalgic in some part. Smells are so evocative, the type of light, that will transport me, texture, carpets, seats, clothes.
I'm bumper car-ring from one experience to the next saying: unconsciously (well somewhat consciously) saying: this reminds me of...

I also wonder, when it starts that nothing new can really happen to you.

When do you stop having firsts, experiencing things and feeling your brain expanding and twisting and trying to get its teeth around this. Forming impressions.

I don't spend anywhere near enough time with my incredibly smart and wonderfully original niece, but when i do, i notice her having new experience after new experience.

What i also notice is the tactics she has developed, to deal with the experiences she gets ALOT of, like being told to do things, like wanting something she can't reach or isn't allowed.
Even at four, but of course at four, four years is an eternity, but even at four, she is creating, rapidly, a frame work of the world. And I worry for her. What framework this will be.

And i can hear my mum say: darling, at one.. in the WOMB you are creating a framework.
because thats true of human development isn't it.

i think of it alot in realtion to issues of race and racism, and culture barriers. Which are topics that I feel are smattered throughout my everyday. We ultimately know next to nothing about different cultures, races, and there are SO many different races in new zealand, and all of us bobbing about like apples in a bucket and encountering each other without any real understanding. But forming and holding dangerously strong opinions on each other, based on dress and skin colour.
This hit home to me when I saw that ad for intrepid journeys or whatever that programme is where B grade psuedo nz celebrities go to foriegn countries and dabble in their culture, bringing us home a little piece. well mary somebody the old host of good mornign went to a country where she had to where a burka (Sp). in the ad in a bus shelter there are two photos, one of her normal, died hair andmakeup, one of her in a burka. in the busstop, sat a woman in a burka.
and i felt really like, do we have ANY idea (we being white colonial new zealanders) how any of these people feel about any of this? Do we have any idea what is going on for them at all?

that was a tangent. you've all gone to sleep.these things really concern me.
isn't racism, and i don't mean hate crimes i mean judging people based on a handful of experiences, experiences that are totally blendered by the media, isn't that terrifying?
We are being lied to, and we are forming opinions based on those lies.
The most conscious of us, know only that we are being lied to, but not which parts about.

Oh god it terrifies me.
It really terrifies me because what it really means is
there is no reality.
Or at least, no reality that you, or I, or any one from the objectivity of their own perception, can ever truely know.
In relationships, friends, partners, parents, bosses, children, all relationships, their are two realities. No, there are infinite realities, but the ones that count are yours, and mine.

If those realities don't match, which they mostly don't, because how can they, in order for us to get along and agree we would have to be able to suspend our own belief in our reality, and understand willingly theirs, and then submit our reality to the apparent truths of their reality.
A humungous ask.

I can only do this readily for one person. And I don't know why that is. That I feel gentle enough towards her, and can care about our relationship enough to be willing to sacrifice my belief about reality. She does it for me too. It works well. We've been friends for 20 years.
Other than her, I don't hold out too much hope for us, me, and any relationships.
Especially because I so steadfastedly hold to my reality. But what else have you got?!
Unless of course you find people with fairly identical frameworks. Thats why old friends are the best friends, and why no one knows you better than your siblings.

I also remember learning this about the brain, that if you suspend all of it's senses: sight, sound, touch, smell and taste.. the mind very swiftly goes insane, has hallucinations and loses it's grip.
We are creating this framework, to keep us sane. And it is all, a made up game.

what a grave morning it is.
arrrggh. maybe it's because this storm slaughtered the surf.
oh and i bought a 'surf' dvd yesterday that turned out to be a BOOGIE boarding Dvd!!! you couldn't tell from the jacket, but in a much graver insult, it turned out to be a
CHRISTIAN BOOGIE BOARDING DVD
mother.
fuckers.
it got into scene two and the guy starts using the word pray alot. hmmm, okay.
then theres a full blown interview with this OTHERWISE nice young man saying, if i could have everyone know one thing it would be that there is a creator and he is our friend.
i will follow jesus forever.
It's not god, or jesus that bother me. it's christians.
i'm livid.
it was a horrible mistake and i'm taking the dvd back.
i realise on the cover it says a 'faith and devine' production. but in very small writing.
insidious bastards.

piha is stil a wash of white.
everyone join hands and pray with me for good surf on sunday please..
one, two, three
PRAY!
:)