When i got to Te Arai today, about 11am, it was about the best conditions I've ever surfed in. Yep, I think the best.
It was always going to be East coast this weekend cuz it was fully choppy onshore on the west.
It was good to get the change of scene too.
It was drizzeling when i pulled up and only two or three other cars there. never know if this means shit conditions or just better somewhere else or i've lucked in and noones clicked yet.
The rain is light and just makes you damp. The sky is low and titanium white with swirls of oily grey, not oppressive, not bright either.
Me and two dudes stand on the hill and survery. It looks fucking primo to me.
It's 2-3ft and 100% offshore and every line is surfable wave that barrels. Get me in my suit.
I start changing and a couple of cars pull up and these dudes get out and then funny shit, these two surfers come over the hill and someone asks them how is it and this funny dude goes:
Oh man it was mint all morning but it just went to shit 20minutes ago.
THis is a surf joke man, no fucking doubt.
Then to ice the cake he goes:
And man saw a hammerhead out there ahy, coming straight for me.
For a split second we're all like: what?
then realise he MUST be kidding and everyone grins and two dudes from another car start going: shit man, did you hear that? he said there were hammerheads out there.
and his mate goes: whats that? two hammerheads?
nah man, at least three. big fuckers.
haha. we're all grinning. glad i'm not the only one here though ahy cuz i'd be going
reeeeeeallllllyyyy?
When i walk past him heading to the beach he says: good luck out there.
I'm like, what? with the sharks?
He and his mate are like, yeah.
I'm like, oh hammerheads are my favourite shark so i'm happy. and grin.
they grin back.
It's real clean, theres pretty much no white wash and i go straight out to backline like i told myself i would! Get out there and this wall of water starts to build, i'm going to sail up over the top of it no worries, but even so my heart starts HAMMERING in my chest, i'm sure i can hear it on the board! i put my chin down on the board for a second and grin to myself.
yup, a bit scared. heh heh.
They're real easy to catch and i get a few and then about twenty five minutes of goodness later the wind changes and the tide turns all at once and it starts closing out and being abit on shore. Still surfable as though.
Yeah its' wicked. They sky is all blue and purple like a bruise. and Te Arai.. man, for an east coast beach it's got so much grit and personality. dark dark pine green pines line the dunes and the dunes are crumbling like mounds of ginger crunch and it's just immense, i reckon you can see three different weather systems on the one beach.
The waters really beautiful sea green (coming out with all the adjectives!!) and i remember what i'd forgot about backline, it's very still, and very quiet.
Theres just me and one or two other dudes at this spot.
Today I had the best ride SO FAR. I caught this nice sized wave at the perfect time, up on the lip and then coming down the face of it, manage to stay back on the board and keep from nose diving, then i'm riding it, can stand up a bit from a crouch, felt kinda effortless too, thats good timing i reckon. Yeah that was definately my best ever drop in. And i was just starting to get too tired to keep paddling around and then that gave me all the energy i needed.
And Pim turned up in the water and saw it and grins and is like, very nice man, very nice.
Paddle back out. I've been out at least an hour and getting tired but dont' want to go in.
Managed to clear a whole sunday for this and theres nowhere i'd rather be at all.
It does get rougher though, pim calls it hard work, i think he's a pussy basically cuz west coast is hard fuckign work, this is just perserverance. ha. no fence pim. maybe he's just being sympathetic to me. i'm like fuck off i've already been in here over an hour, maybe an hour and a half!
yeah anyway rad day. funny how one good day can restore your faith to maximum strength.
I'm going to get better, i am getting better, thats all that counts. no no, just being there counts, but you know me, and you know i have to succeed at things or i can't take it.
sure i could just change the orientation of my personality, or i can succeed.
succeed it is.
told pim i was fatigued and heading in for lunch. with the finest of company of Pepper Dog I ate left over rice noodle, mushroom, tuna, onions, brocolli, olives in coconut milk sauce. gave the last few forkfuls to pepper who cleans the box spotlessly.
then left over apple and feijoa crumble with rice milk. leftovers to pepper.
after cleaning the lunch box she notices a few oats on my calf and promptly licks them up too.
i love this dog. and talk about zero waste. heh heh.
me and pepper sit on the beach and watched the long boarders come out, and watch the short boarders stand on the hill and curse their timing. refrain from saying, it was shit hot earlier. but it really was. chilled for about 40mins with pepper on my toes for warmth, then needed more warmth than one good dog and split.
pepper walked me to the car.
On the way out to the beach today i was nearly in tears. i've been feeling really down all week actually. to cut a fucking long whinge short, i'm not a capitalist at heart. these are not my values. this is not the way i want the world to run. I'm caught in the Capitalist rat race and the air in this city is poison. Sitting idling in my car burning fossil fuels and fucking with the environment.
I got burnt at the beach last weekend and my face practically peeled on the spot.
Buy sell buy sell consume consume consume. It's bullshit. We've got our values all backwards.
ahhhrgh.
I'm also having recurring dreams that i'm trapped in a black, airtight box.
i wake, panic stricken, whimpering, to terrified to even scream, and run my outspread hands feverishly along the wall looking for a crack, a door, a window. I sit up straight in bed and feel like i'm suffocating, slowly coming to, taking gasping breaths, the light from the window starts to come into focus and i lean to the curtains, tear them back and gaze with my eyes as hard open as they can be, into the night, trying to get some space into my lungs.
It's claustrophobia basically. real bad. at night. it's terrifying.
But right now i just feel weary, clean, sleepy, and happy. A little bruised and achy.
and i'm bobbing up and down in my chair like the way sailors get sea legs. surf legs.
anyway enough from me.
peace out people.
be nice to each other.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Saturday, March 31, 2007
Monday, March 26, 2007
A Story Just For You
When the milky light of dawn begins infusing with the blue night it is 5.49am and I am blazing down Piha road with night trailing me. The roads are almost empty and I am having a thrilling drive. With the roads empty I am able to put my foot down and see what The Black Pearl can do. Anything. Everything. She purrs.. ducks, dives, holds the corners and glides down the steep declines to the black coast.
The carpark is empty and the beach is bare. It looks so much more beautiful without it's usual rash of human activity. There is now enough light to see the waves. Line upon line of swell pushes it's chest forward and curls it's white lip, tipping it's chin and rising up, gathers all its might and clubs the beach. It's that size that makes me feel fearless. Small and clean. I get into my suit and am just pulling my board out of it's bag when Pims Landrover pulls up along side. Pim and Pepper jump out. Good morning!
Out back it is tubing, spraying from it's lip.
The carpark is empty and the beach is bare. It looks so much more beautiful without it's usual rash of human activity. There is now enough light to see the waves. Line upon line of swell pushes it's chest forward and curls it's white lip, tipping it's chin and rising up, gathers all its might and clubs the beach. It's that size that makes me feel fearless. Small and clean. I get into my suit and am just pulling my board out of it's bag when Pims Landrover pulls up along side. Pim and Pepper jump out. Good morning!
Out back it is tubing, spraying from it's lip.
I hug Pim but can't wait around for him to suit up. The sand is black and cold. I am the only human on the beach. Piha feels small, and beautiful, the way it is meant to be, relieved of it's affliction as a sunday holiday park beach resort.
The cool water trickles around my ankles and lures me in and in. Dawn is seeping into the sky. I am here, now.
I fling myself onto my tummy, my board under me is a faithful friend. Paddle out to the middle and catch a small wave straight off and stand, ride, ride. Back to the beach. Pim passes me with his 9footer and heads straight out back. Surfers in their suits are all hopping down the bank, their white feet and hands like beacons in the half light, white boards underarm. Most go up around the rocks to the other bay. Must be bigger round there, which is fine, because it leaves me the entire beach to myself.
Dawn. I am absolutely filled with the goodness of this earth and her seas. The beauty is energising. I've never seen piha under this light.
To the west a lilac and soft pink wash overlays a melty, baby blue sky and milky, creamy yellow light streams in from the East over the heads of the Forest trees. In imperceptable increments yellow light leaks into the day.
Day. It is day. Today this is the only day there is and I just saw it being born. The waves are so friendly and calm, even the rip isn't it's usual strength. I ride a couple in. Paddle back out. The air is cool and clean. The water is slippery. It pools and puddles whirs and stirs, never for a moment still, I kick my feet into it for fun, I bob along ontop, use my paddles and feet to turn, go forward, under, through, turn, paddle, rise up.... miss it, bob back down to sea level.
I have to remind myself to look around, look up, look at the sky, the forest, the horizon. Breath in. Smell it. Taste it. When I look at the beach, Pepper is sitting still on the sand, watching me, waiting for Pim. Everytime I look she seems to be watching me. Pepper is the only dog on earth I've ever liked. Most humans, from the shore couldn't pick me in the waves, but pepper somehow knows, and she's watching. I feel accompanied, I feel safe.
The swell drops and the waves are losing their power so I think now I will go out back today. Today. nothing can go wrong Today. I paddle out and dally around, indecisively wanting to catch every semidecent wave, then reminding myself sternly to go out to back line. I can see a group of surfers sitting, waiting for the set and I long to be in their company. Meet their eyes and feel the same, have the same experience, look at each other and know the same thing. I paddle hard. I turn my head to the left and see that despite my paddling I am stationary. A big set comes and I can't make it out.
I give it a few more goes but I'm exhausted. Back line next time I promise myself. Just then I see Pim gliding down a metre of wave, dancing to the top end of his long board, walking to the nose and gripping it with his toes, taking a step backwards to balance. I see him come off and his board shoot into the sky. I turn and catch the next wave in. Work calls.
As I walk up the beach Pepper trots happily over and licks my extended hand. Hello. Then turns and goes back to waiting for Pim. The personification (animal-ification?) of loyalty and devotion.
My body clock is spot on. It's 7am, time to hit the road. I can undress in the carpark and no one to see. I pour a bottle of fresh water over me as way of shower, shorts and hoody on, rinse my feet.
In, engine on, sterio blasts back into life Shapeshifter pours into the car, heater on my feet, foot to the pedal and go.
Again the road is pratically empty of cars and this drive, as opposed to being as usual frustrating, is liberating, like rally driving, especially in this fucking excellent automobile.
It takes me an hour fourty to get to Penrose. Not bad really. Sitting in traffic I tilt my chair back and close my eyes and take red light power naps. Then am overcome by hunger and eat some of my lunch, left over curry, with my fingers (no fork), slopped up on a piece of bread. A kings breakfast. My arms are so exhausted that when I try to get my jumper off it takes two attempts with an energy pause in the middle. ha.
I'm sitting at my desk, just showered and switched the 'puter on. The mobile coffee lady has turned up and she JUST put a steaming hot cup of soya latte on my desk infront of me. The smell of coffee is perfection and happyness coiled around each other. I wait a few seconds, inhaling, the anticipation almost as good as the having.
When I get your email you say this is a horrible week. Yesterday the worst day. How can everything be so wonderful for me, so terrible for you, when we live under the same sky, in the same city, at the same time.
I cannot console you because words are only trite in the presence of grief.
But I do know, sharp as a needle, keen as an axe, that all of the beautiful things that happen, are fleeting, but having them is still everything there is. Like one dawn. Like one kiss. One love. One day. One friend. And one moment of laughing, knees curled to my chest, and making you laugh back.
scattered momento's
to change topic entirely for it has all gotten so grim
so grim
it pulls at its wirey grey beard hairs
and ahums
ahum
it grumbles with knotted knuckles plucking at strings of thought
skin around its eyes, taught
creased by thought
vertical cravasses of worry concern paths through the mountainess forehead
old man grim.
worn thin.
Looking up from under his brim.
So, a momento of love:
A moment
for love
when all is escaping
a whisp caught in your breath taking
He turns me so my right side is up.
He looks up from under his double arched brow, with big open bean blue eyes, his shoulders hung in defeat and comically, humorously, he is miming "can you believe this!?"
It is the first time I have seen him make this gesture. I gather it up, fold it with care and lay it with my pieces of him that i like, and don't like, they're just him.
Just him.
Glistening, bristling, shining, twinkling,
bones of carbon granite
flesh as rich as pomegranite
with your convoluted ideas
opinionated fingers jabbling holes in the air.
From under the fold of the fall of dark
it's ink hair
I have come up.
For air.
To Express Fully The Light Of My Soul.
so grim
it pulls at its wirey grey beard hairs
and ahums
ahum
it grumbles with knotted knuckles plucking at strings of thought
skin around its eyes, taught
creased by thought
vertical cravasses of worry concern paths through the mountainess forehead
old man grim.
worn thin.
Looking up from under his brim.
So, a momento of love:
A moment
for love
when all is escaping
a whisp caught in your breath taking
He turns me so my right side is up.
He looks up from under his double arched brow, with big open bean blue eyes, his shoulders hung in defeat and comically, humorously, he is miming "can you believe this!?"
It is the first time I have seen him make this gesture. I gather it up, fold it with care and lay it with my pieces of him that i like, and don't like, they're just him.
Just him.
Glistening, bristling, shining, twinkling,
bones of carbon granite
flesh as rich as pomegranite
with your convoluted ideas
opinionated fingers jabbling holes in the air.
From under the fold of the fall of dark
it's ink hair
I have come up.
For air.
To Express Fully The Light Of My Soul.
Sunday, March 25, 2007
hmmm
how'm i gonna find time to write this blog now.
The weekends events were pressed together like a squid in a bread bag. Only two days to do things now! And do things means surf, of course.
Sunday, surf should've been good but was messy if you ask me, didn't touch backline.
Pants went out, and Holland was there too, but no one was really stoking out.
Disturbed was I, to find, that after two weeks practically no surfing, I'd lost the knack of standing up. Fuckbuggershitballspantstitsandcunts.
I came out of the water disheartened and was thinking of telling you all that I was no longer a surfer. Sure, I have a wetsuit and a board, and i go into the water wearing one and attached to the other. But thats not surfing. ahy bro.
Saturday cleaned up just a little and for some reason the rip wasn't so strong, this meant i could surf the shore break when the waves reformed without expending all my energy paddling across the goddam rip. Was just different, didn't feel worried bout the waves at all, went out in the middle too where there was a small but decent little right hander.
There was a school or something, a handful of younger girls being instructed by a dude. Made me feel really safe, like if that eleven year old is happy to drift into that rip, how bad can it be?
Do i sound very chicken? It's all relative.
Took me all session to get back on my feet for real. in a three step process though, push, kneel, stand.
Easter next weekend! yaaaaay. get the standing up in one go thing back i reckon.
Met a friend of a friend, Nic, another naturopath, who lives at piha so she can learn to surf.
Effin ahy girl.
She said come out for easter lets get surfing.
Won't say no to that.
J came out and took pics of Piha and me, so I'll get to see how ridiculous this all looks for the first time.
Radness.
I have other stories! About my reunion with the people I know from PLAYCENTRE!!!!
but not this morning, not time.
yaaaay! monday.
I love mondays.
Ka kite ano.
how'm i gonna find time to write this blog now.
The weekends events were pressed together like a squid in a bread bag. Only two days to do things now! And do things means surf, of course.
Sunday, surf should've been good but was messy if you ask me, didn't touch backline.
Pants went out, and Holland was there too, but no one was really stoking out.
Disturbed was I, to find, that after two weeks practically no surfing, I'd lost the knack of standing up. Fuckbuggershitballspantstitsandcunts.
I came out of the water disheartened and was thinking of telling you all that I was no longer a surfer. Sure, I have a wetsuit and a board, and i go into the water wearing one and attached to the other. But thats not surfing. ahy bro.
Saturday cleaned up just a little and for some reason the rip wasn't so strong, this meant i could surf the shore break when the waves reformed without expending all my energy paddling across the goddam rip. Was just different, didn't feel worried bout the waves at all, went out in the middle too where there was a small but decent little right hander.
There was a school or something, a handful of younger girls being instructed by a dude. Made me feel really safe, like if that eleven year old is happy to drift into that rip, how bad can it be?
Do i sound very chicken? It's all relative.
Took me all session to get back on my feet for real. in a three step process though, push, kneel, stand.
Easter next weekend! yaaaaay. get the standing up in one go thing back i reckon.
Met a friend of a friend, Nic, another naturopath, who lives at piha so she can learn to surf.
Effin ahy girl.
She said come out for easter lets get surfing.
Won't say no to that.
J came out and took pics of Piha and me, so I'll get to see how ridiculous this all looks for the first time.
Radness.
I have other stories! About my reunion with the people I know from PLAYCENTRE!!!!
but not this morning, not time.
yaaaay! monday.
I love mondays.
Ka kite ano.
Thursday, March 22, 2007
see?
ROME - With climate change now adding to the pressures, sharing rather than warring over the world's resources of fresh water represents the "challenge of the 21st century," the United Nations said Thursday as it marked World Water Day.
"The bulk of that challenge lies in finding more effective ways to conserve, use and protect the world’s water resources," the U.N. Food and Agriculture Organization said in a statement.
Already 1.1 billion people lack access to adequate clean water and, with the world's population set to grow from the current 6.5 billion to 8 billion by 2030, 1.8 billion people will face water scarcity by then, the Rome-based agency estimated.
That growing population also means that "14 percent more freshwater will need to be withdrawn for agricultural purposes in the next 30 years," the FAO stated.
FAO Director Jacques Diouf said the repercussions of not meeting the challenge would be enormous. "Water conflicts can arise in water stressed areas among local communities and between countries," he told a conference marking World Water Day.
"The lack of adequate institutional and legal instruments for water sharing exacerbates already difficult conditions. In the absence of clear and well-established rules, chaos tends to dominate and power plays an excessive role," he said.
Warming 'raised the stakes'The FAO added that "climate change has raised the stakes" since some studies indicate that warming temperatures might cause more frequent droughts as well as more intense storms and flooding, "which destroy crops, contaminate freshwater and damage the facilities used to store and carry that water."
"Particularly vulnerable to climate variability," the FAO said, are the world's poorest farmers, who "often occupy marginal lands and rely on rainfall to sustain their livelihoods."
In a report on the state of the world's water resources, the FAO concluded that "climate change is expected to account for about 20 percent of the global increase in water scarcity. Countries that already suffer from water shortages will be hit hardest."
The agency also cited a 2006 study by Britain's weather agency concluding that with no mitigation of climate change, the severe droughts that now occur only once every 50 years would occur every other year by 2100.
To improve cross-border cooperation on water use, the 10 countries on the Nile River are negotiating a water sharing agreement that the FAO hopes will be a model for other areas where the scarce resource can be shared peacefully.
"The bulk of that challenge lies in finding more effective ways to conserve, use and protect the world’s water resources," the U.N. Food and Agriculture Organization said in a statement.
Already 1.1 billion people lack access to adequate clean water and, with the world's population set to grow from the current 6.5 billion to 8 billion by 2030, 1.8 billion people will face water scarcity by then, the Rome-based agency estimated.
That growing population also means that "14 percent more freshwater will need to be withdrawn for agricultural purposes in the next 30 years," the FAO stated.
FAO Director Jacques Diouf said the repercussions of not meeting the challenge would be enormous. "Water conflicts can arise in water stressed areas among local communities and between countries," he told a conference marking World Water Day.
"The lack of adequate institutional and legal instruments for water sharing exacerbates already difficult conditions. In the absence of clear and well-established rules, chaos tends to dominate and power plays an excessive role," he said.
Warming 'raised the stakes'The FAO added that "climate change has raised the stakes" since some studies indicate that warming temperatures might cause more frequent droughts as well as more intense storms and flooding, "which destroy crops, contaminate freshwater and damage the facilities used to store and carry that water."
"Particularly vulnerable to climate variability," the FAO said, are the world's poorest farmers, who "often occupy marginal lands and rely on rainfall to sustain their livelihoods."
In a report on the state of the world's water resources, the FAO concluded that "climate change is expected to account for about 20 percent of the global increase in water scarcity. Countries that already suffer from water shortages will be hit hardest."
The agency also cited a 2006 study by Britain's weather agency concluding that with no mitigation of climate change, the severe droughts that now occur only once every 50 years would occur every other year by 2100.
To improve cross-border cooperation on water use, the 10 countries on the Nile River are negotiating a water sharing agreement that the FAO hopes will be a model for other areas where the scarce resource can be shared peacefully.
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
no comments
Two things I have heard this week have drawn into real question my desire to have children.
Firstly i'll define that desire, it's not a real want, not like I feel a want in me, it is just an unchosen inevitability that I embrace and loosely plan for without real attachment to. But still, loosely, winding, wend towards.
Or it has been.
The way we live on the earth is unsustainable. This is no longer deniable or questionable.
Plan fucking B dudes. This isn't working. It isn't working, and it's never going to and it's all going to fall down and the time to act is nigh.
A clever person I know pointed out that if the generation approaching child bearing age, would globally decide to be one children families, we would half the population, and the overburdening of the worlds limited resources would ease, and possibly those remaining single child people, would be able to live a decent existence.
Of course it rings of communism and facism and marxism (no i don't know anything about marxism but it was bad wasn't it?), and noone would buy it. But actually, we're not really in a position to be choosy.. are we?
Secondly I was watching that programme Wasted last night, so bored, it's a reality show where they go to peoples houses and show them how they're wasting money and resources, and damaging the environment, and get them to shape up and save money.
It's terrifying.
It's terrifying to know that everything you do is harming the planet.
A comment was made about water, that in fifty years, drinking water will be so scarce, 'scientists predict' wars will be fought over it.
The way today they are fought over oil.
I can't imagine the terribleness of there not being enough water.
I feel desperate just thinking of it.
And no way do I want to have children only to land them with that kind of life sentence.
My teenage years were plagued with an undercurrent of anxiety, about loans I couldn't pay back, certainly that, but also about the planet. Greenpeace, whales, dolphins, rainforests, mcdonalds, terrible things were happening, and I knew, but I didn't think I was really expected to do anything, not me, uppermiddleclass semi bohemian white bread suburban teen. not me. I cared, but what I mostly had to accomplish was coolness. Thinness. And coolness.
But certainly in adulthood (i stand on it's doorway and nonchalantly scraping the mud of childhood from my boots) that once undercurrent, has risen to a chorus, a constant drone, an OVERcurrent, actually, it's the theme, of my now existence.
Not just anxiety, but real fear, real sadness too, desperate frustrated anger, worry, guilt, lots of guilt. Hopelessness. Frustration. Anxiety. and then tiredness. Which leads to inactivity and apathy. Which is depressing.
New world order. Running out of water.
When I think of the end of the world, whatever that means, whatever I feel, is tinged with resignation, and relief.
So anyway, thats pretty much saying it ahy, but it's true isn't it? Like fleas on a cat, you just need to look, it's there, all there, eating away and spreading daily.
I met a bartender one night who said he and his partner, wife maybe, had consciously decided never to have children. He also explained that they got alot of flack for it. I said, fair enough, but I thought, god really?!
And now, yesterday, I've had a shift in consciousness and I see it.
It's like a global responsibility, mixed with love and compassion for your unshed progeny.
What this then means, and this is perhaps the more impacting realisation, is that I'm done.
I'm fine. I don't need more money that I have. I don't need a house, though I'd like one and will still get one. I don't need to build a fortress and harbour reserves. I don't need stronger materials for my nest. And I don't (hallelujah!!!) need a relationship that will last forever.
I can have relationships and they can end, which is what they do, and there are no dire stakes. No must bes. No definates.
That is saturated with relief.
I remember my mum telling me how she hit a wall at one point in her life as a mother, and felt terrible for bringing US into the world, the cold hard doomed world.
And at times I have thought: Yeah, well?
Then tonight over a wine my dearest most wonderful friend who is newly engaged and facing all sorts of realities I've only heard of, about weddings and lifetimes, said, yeah and heres me, facing the person I KNOW i'm going to have children with, KNOWING i'm going to have children, looking at bunks with draws in furniture shops and feeling really excited!!!!
and yeah, thats cool too.
Thats cool too.
Maybe this is a phase everyone goes through in their late twenties.
What do you think?
Firstly i'll define that desire, it's not a real want, not like I feel a want in me, it is just an unchosen inevitability that I embrace and loosely plan for without real attachment to. But still, loosely, winding, wend towards.
Or it has been.
The way we live on the earth is unsustainable. This is no longer deniable or questionable.
Plan fucking B dudes. This isn't working. It isn't working, and it's never going to and it's all going to fall down and the time to act is nigh.
A clever person I know pointed out that if the generation approaching child bearing age, would globally decide to be one children families, we would half the population, and the overburdening of the worlds limited resources would ease, and possibly those remaining single child people, would be able to live a decent existence.
Of course it rings of communism and facism and marxism (no i don't know anything about marxism but it was bad wasn't it?), and noone would buy it. But actually, we're not really in a position to be choosy.. are we?
Secondly I was watching that programme Wasted last night, so bored, it's a reality show where they go to peoples houses and show them how they're wasting money and resources, and damaging the environment, and get them to shape up and save money.
It's terrifying.
It's terrifying to know that everything you do is harming the planet.
A comment was made about water, that in fifty years, drinking water will be so scarce, 'scientists predict' wars will be fought over it.
The way today they are fought over oil.
I can't imagine the terribleness of there not being enough water.
I feel desperate just thinking of it.
And no way do I want to have children only to land them with that kind of life sentence.
My teenage years were plagued with an undercurrent of anxiety, about loans I couldn't pay back, certainly that, but also about the planet. Greenpeace, whales, dolphins, rainforests, mcdonalds, terrible things were happening, and I knew, but I didn't think I was really expected to do anything, not me, uppermiddleclass semi bohemian white bread suburban teen. not me. I cared, but what I mostly had to accomplish was coolness. Thinness. And coolness.
But certainly in adulthood (i stand on it's doorway and nonchalantly scraping the mud of childhood from my boots) that once undercurrent, has risen to a chorus, a constant drone, an OVERcurrent, actually, it's the theme, of my now existence.
Not just anxiety, but real fear, real sadness too, desperate frustrated anger, worry, guilt, lots of guilt. Hopelessness. Frustration. Anxiety. and then tiredness. Which leads to inactivity and apathy. Which is depressing.
New world order. Running out of water.
When I think of the end of the world, whatever that means, whatever I feel, is tinged with resignation, and relief.
So anyway, thats pretty much saying it ahy, but it's true isn't it? Like fleas on a cat, you just need to look, it's there, all there, eating away and spreading daily.
I met a bartender one night who said he and his partner, wife maybe, had consciously decided never to have children. He also explained that they got alot of flack for it. I said, fair enough, but I thought, god really?!
And now, yesterday, I've had a shift in consciousness and I see it.
It's like a global responsibility, mixed with love and compassion for your unshed progeny.
What this then means, and this is perhaps the more impacting realisation, is that I'm done.
I'm fine. I don't need more money that I have. I don't need a house, though I'd like one and will still get one. I don't need to build a fortress and harbour reserves. I don't need stronger materials for my nest. And I don't (hallelujah!!!) need a relationship that will last forever.
I can have relationships and they can end, which is what they do, and there are no dire stakes. No must bes. No definates.
That is saturated with relief.
I remember my mum telling me how she hit a wall at one point in her life as a mother, and felt terrible for bringing US into the world, the cold hard doomed world.
And at times I have thought: Yeah, well?
Then tonight over a wine my dearest most wonderful friend who is newly engaged and facing all sorts of realities I've only heard of, about weddings and lifetimes, said, yeah and heres me, facing the person I KNOW i'm going to have children with, KNOWING i'm going to have children, looking at bunks with draws in furniture shops and feeling really excited!!!!
and yeah, thats cool too.
Thats cool too.
Maybe this is a phase everyone goes through in their late twenties.
What do you think?
Monday, March 19, 2007
addendum to goodness
Then sometimes good things are big and loud and real and oh my gosh!
like my wonderful new job that I LOVE! every bit. that is challenging and interesting and is doing something i love that i'm good at and i'm learning and dealing with people and helping people and making decisions and being creative and lots of flexibility and my wonderful coworkers who gave me water lillies and said welcome to the family.
And look, they gave me a hummer, but they plant NATIVE TREES! to offset their company trucks and cars, so that the vehicles are 'carbon neutral'. isn't that nice? and they recycle.
so it's not so bad.
And they're flying me to south africa soon, for some training, whatever it's really just to meet everyone i think. To capetown i think, oh my god, everytime i think of it my heart does a little jump and clicks it's heels together like a wee irish leprachaun.
It's as if i only need to say: i'd love to go to south africa. and god puts a ticket in my hands.
Ever does she love me so with her endless bounty.
How did i get so lucky?
I hope you are all as happy, everyone should feel like this.
Let me take you to dinner and treat you lavishly and tell you wonderful funny stories and whisper in your ear so it tickles and get you drunk on whisky and dance with you so that we can all be happy.
And daylight savings. Wasn't it nice to sleep in?
It doesn't contribute to surfing, and people are against it, but i like dark evenings.
Warm dinners. city lights on dark cities.
Big and loud and oh my gosh.
like my wonderful new job that I LOVE! every bit. that is challenging and interesting and is doing something i love that i'm good at and i'm learning and dealing with people and helping people and making decisions and being creative and lots of flexibility and my wonderful coworkers who gave me water lillies and said welcome to the family.
And look, they gave me a hummer, but they plant NATIVE TREES! to offset their company trucks and cars, so that the vehicles are 'carbon neutral'. isn't that nice? and they recycle.
so it's not so bad.
And they're flying me to south africa soon, for some training, whatever it's really just to meet everyone i think. To capetown i think, oh my god, everytime i think of it my heart does a little jump and clicks it's heels together like a wee irish leprachaun.
It's as if i only need to say: i'd love to go to south africa. and god puts a ticket in my hands.
Ever does she love me so with her endless bounty.
How did i get so lucky?
I hope you are all as happy, everyone should feel like this.
Let me take you to dinner and treat you lavishly and tell you wonderful funny stories and whisper in your ear so it tickles and get you drunk on whisky and dance with you so that we can all be happy.
And daylight savings. Wasn't it nice to sleep in?
It doesn't contribute to surfing, and people are against it, but i like dark evenings.
Warm dinners. city lights on dark cities.
Big and loud and oh my gosh.
Sunday, March 18, 2007
good days
Sometimes life is so nice
in the smallest of ways
sometimes joy can come
and it doesn't need to be from big loud things
sometimes a perfect day is when nothing goes wrong
and little things make you smile.
I climb up into your jeep.
I love climbing UP into cars.
And the jeep feels like adventure.
Without warning your dog gives a single lick
to the bottom of my ear.
its warm, wet and tickles
it says: hi
I feel liked, and welcome.
And we're off.
Whatipu is so much more wild than any of the other west coast beaches i've been too.
I love the West coast, that there is an element of fear about it.
The reeds and low bushes are damp and rich opaque greens and yellows and greays. The sand is so black it is midnight blue.
leaves and reeds trace their fingers on our calves. Pepper has to stay at the car. No dogs on the beach.
we stumble up the path and out into the open jaws of the wild west coast.
The North Westerly tears down the beach face with nothing to hit against and dim it's racing speed, whipping up a sheet spray of sand that catches and stings your ankles.
In it's race it catches our words and they spin away behind us in a wake. I put my hood up and the noise of the day is like putting your ear to a shell.
The tide is out. Black mounds like the backs of small whales clustering together, create shallow pools between them of varying size and depth. Ankle breakers. You won't take your shoes off and so have hopscotch across. 6 feet of legs and leap. I can dance through wade through splash through throwing up a veil of spray legs stinging with salt feet having the time of their lives mulching sinking squelching.
We walk out to the waters edge, it feels a long way from home.
There are no people. We are alone. Save for the island with the lighthouse.
Emptiness.
Waves come from all directions and crash into each other.
The skyline is unfamiliar, unfamiliar wind carved rock faces and rolling crests of hills covered thickly with native forest.
Going to places for the first time.
I went to look at a flat in the evening. I'll tell you two things about it. 'My' room, has wallpaper that is pink and silver stripes, like barbies handmirror. It has squares recessed into the wall like built in shelves, covered too, lackered, in pink and silver paper. It catches the afternoon sun but that only makes it look more like a cake.
In the only communal space, the kitchen, dining room, lounge, there are posters of expensive cars, and pictures of girls with perfect asses and unnaturally big breasts, alternating, in a line, not scattered but in a horizontal line, the whole way around the room. A trim, of cars and breasts.
You are a car photographer. You will not hold my glance but duck and hide your eyes behind your cap. I distrust this in a person.
There is a moment when I"m leaving (a moment after the car picture revelation) that I know, and you know, that I don't want to live here, and I don't think you want me to either. The moment is very uncomfortable. and then i turn and walk out the door and back to my car and the moment is over forever.
And that is good. it makes me smile. to get in my car and drive away. A world of better possibilities opens their arms.
To be heavy with tiredness and to sleep.
To think, just before you fall, I'm going to go to sleep now, hard and heavy and stay that way all night.
in the smallest of ways
sometimes joy can come
and it doesn't need to be from big loud things
sometimes a perfect day is when nothing goes wrong
and little things make you smile.
I climb up into your jeep.
I love climbing UP into cars.
And the jeep feels like adventure.
Without warning your dog gives a single lick
to the bottom of my ear.
its warm, wet and tickles
it says: hi
I feel liked, and welcome.
And we're off.
Whatipu is so much more wild than any of the other west coast beaches i've been too.
I love the West coast, that there is an element of fear about it.
The reeds and low bushes are damp and rich opaque greens and yellows and greays. The sand is so black it is midnight blue.
leaves and reeds trace their fingers on our calves. Pepper has to stay at the car. No dogs on the beach.
we stumble up the path and out into the open jaws of the wild west coast.
The North Westerly tears down the beach face with nothing to hit against and dim it's racing speed, whipping up a sheet spray of sand that catches and stings your ankles.
In it's race it catches our words and they spin away behind us in a wake. I put my hood up and the noise of the day is like putting your ear to a shell.
The tide is out. Black mounds like the backs of small whales clustering together, create shallow pools between them of varying size and depth. Ankle breakers. You won't take your shoes off and so have hopscotch across. 6 feet of legs and leap. I can dance through wade through splash through throwing up a veil of spray legs stinging with salt feet having the time of their lives mulching sinking squelching.
We walk out to the waters edge, it feels a long way from home.
There are no people. We are alone. Save for the island with the lighthouse.
Emptiness.
Waves come from all directions and crash into each other.
The skyline is unfamiliar, unfamiliar wind carved rock faces and rolling crests of hills covered thickly with native forest.
Going to places for the first time.
I went to look at a flat in the evening. I'll tell you two things about it. 'My' room, has wallpaper that is pink and silver stripes, like barbies handmirror. It has squares recessed into the wall like built in shelves, covered too, lackered, in pink and silver paper. It catches the afternoon sun but that only makes it look more like a cake.
In the only communal space, the kitchen, dining room, lounge, there are posters of expensive cars, and pictures of girls with perfect asses and unnaturally big breasts, alternating, in a line, not scattered but in a horizontal line, the whole way around the room. A trim, of cars and breasts.
You are a car photographer. You will not hold my glance but duck and hide your eyes behind your cap. I distrust this in a person.
There is a moment when I"m leaving (a moment after the car picture revelation) that I know, and you know, that I don't want to live here, and I don't think you want me to either. The moment is very uncomfortable. and then i turn and walk out the door and back to my car and the moment is over forever.
And that is good. it makes me smile. to get in my car and drive away. A world of better possibilities opens their arms.
To be heavy with tiredness and to sleep.
To think, just before you fall, I'm going to go to sleep now, hard and heavy and stay that way all night.
Thursday, March 15, 2007
frames, shame and automobiles
So I drove me and Dan around all day yesterday in my car and that was fun.
The day punctuated with 'i wonder where the ....... is? Get out the manual!
I wonder how you put the windscreen washer on, I wonder where the cigarette lighter is (to charge my phone)
Dan read the manual aloud to me and like all good manuals, it sounded like they'd missed out a few CRUCIAL words or translated from japanese: Dash drop push button top top steering wheel turn wiper six setting int.
????
It was fun. We were like two little girls in their dads stolen car. Dan said dads car. I said NO SEXY CAR!!!! she said, ahhh okay sexy car. She may never learn.
It took me 5 attempts and making Dan get out to look to parallel park the beast.
I nearly gave up. Dan said: you weren't going to give up. She's probably right.
And I worked out the six CD changer, bought three new cds and pumped them on the wickedly good sterio.
And now, tired from playing, the guilt is settling in.
The planet is going to hell in a handbasket and I just joined the front of the line of excessive consumption of unsustainable resources.
War ravages the planet, the most horrific inhumane atrocitites occur billions of times every day in almost every country except this one, and oil, has it's finger on the trigger.
It feels like a complete suicide of my value system.
And just when I was getting un-characteristically un-apathetic enough to start doing something about the things I care about.
How can I turn up at 'save te arai' rallies in a hummer. practically a tank.
oyeish.
somebody help me. I haven't got the answer to salve my wounded sense of justice. I cannot reconcile my expectations with my reality.
You know, i love this planet, with real feeling. Like a parent, or a child.
in other news
lately i've been thinking alot about the apparent fact that we all can only see things through our own framework. I actually see a frame, held around our heads, this that we can only see through.
Through the experiences we've already had, these mould our brain to expect certain experiences.
I remember learing about the part of the brain (don't ask me what part! ha) that had the job of recognition of items already encountered. They gave the example of putting your hand into your pocket and finding a coin there, and recognising it as a coin by its shape, texture, weight, because you'd encountered a coin before.
Ever felt something and expected it to be one thing and it turned out to be another, how the brain swells.
These experiences must get somewhat ingrained, and experiences we have alot of, must take the forefront in the list of possible interpretations.
Especially in reference to people.
Don't we ONLY have reactions to people and things, in relation to all the other things we've encountered?
Don't we only have emotions or feelings about a thing, because of all the things we associate it with? That may be unrelated save for our own, personal, utterly unique pick-a-path history of experiences?
I am constantly in a state of approval and disapproval of my environment based on things that have already happen. Everything is nostalgic in some part. Smells are so evocative, the type of light, that will transport me, texture, carpets, seats, clothes.
I'm bumper car-ring from one experience to the next saying: unconsciously (well somewhat consciously) saying: this reminds me of...
I also wonder, when it starts that nothing new can really happen to you.
When do you stop having firsts, experiencing things and feeling your brain expanding and twisting and trying to get its teeth around this. Forming impressions.
I don't spend anywhere near enough time with my incredibly smart and wonderfully original niece, but when i do, i notice her having new experience after new experience.
What i also notice is the tactics she has developed, to deal with the experiences she gets ALOT of, like being told to do things, like wanting something she can't reach or isn't allowed.
Even at four, but of course at four, four years is an eternity, but even at four, she is creating, rapidly, a frame work of the world. And I worry for her. What framework this will be.
And i can hear my mum say: darling, at one.. in the WOMB you are creating a framework.
because thats true of human development isn't it.
i think of it alot in realtion to issues of race and racism, and culture barriers. Which are topics that I feel are smattered throughout my everyday. We ultimately know next to nothing about different cultures, races, and there are SO many different races in new zealand, and all of us bobbing about like apples in a bucket and encountering each other without any real understanding. But forming and holding dangerously strong opinions on each other, based on dress and skin colour.
This hit home to me when I saw that ad for intrepid journeys or whatever that programme is where B grade psuedo nz celebrities go to foriegn countries and dabble in their culture, bringing us home a little piece. well mary somebody the old host of good mornign went to a country where she had to where a burka (Sp). in the ad in a bus shelter there are two photos, one of her normal, died hair andmakeup, one of her in a burka. in the busstop, sat a woman in a burka.
and i felt really like, do we have ANY idea (we being white colonial new zealanders) how any of these people feel about any of this? Do we have any idea what is going on for them at all?
that was a tangent. you've all gone to sleep.these things really concern me.
isn't racism, and i don't mean hate crimes i mean judging people based on a handful of experiences, experiences that are totally blendered by the media, isn't that terrifying?
We are being lied to, and we are forming opinions based on those lies.
The most conscious of us, know only that we are being lied to, but not which parts about.
Oh god it terrifies me.
It really terrifies me because what it really means is
there is no reality.
Or at least, no reality that you, or I, or any one from the objectivity of their own perception, can ever truely know.
In relationships, friends, partners, parents, bosses, children, all relationships, their are two realities. No, there are infinite realities, but the ones that count are yours, and mine.
If those realities don't match, which they mostly don't, because how can they, in order for us to get along and agree we would have to be able to suspend our own belief in our reality, and understand willingly theirs, and then submit our reality to the apparent truths of their reality.
A humungous ask.
I can only do this readily for one person. And I don't know why that is. That I feel gentle enough towards her, and can care about our relationship enough to be willing to sacrifice my belief about reality. She does it for me too. It works well. We've been friends for 20 years.
Other than her, I don't hold out too much hope for us, me, and any relationships.
Especially because I so steadfastedly hold to my reality. But what else have you got?!
Unless of course you find people with fairly identical frameworks. Thats why old friends are the best friends, and why no one knows you better than your siblings.
I also remember learning this about the brain, that if you suspend all of it's senses: sight, sound, touch, smell and taste.. the mind very swiftly goes insane, has hallucinations and loses it's grip.
We are creating this framework, to keep us sane. And it is all, a made up game.
what a grave morning it is.
arrrggh. maybe it's because this storm slaughtered the surf.
oh and i bought a 'surf' dvd yesterday that turned out to be a BOOGIE boarding Dvd!!! you couldn't tell from the jacket, but in a much graver insult, it turned out to be a
CHRISTIAN BOOGIE BOARDING DVD
mother.
fuckers.
it got into scene two and the guy starts using the word pray alot. hmmm, okay.
then theres a full blown interview with this OTHERWISE nice young man saying, if i could have everyone know one thing it would be that there is a creator and he is our friend.
i will follow jesus forever.
It's not god, or jesus that bother me. it's christians.
i'm livid.
it was a horrible mistake and i'm taking the dvd back.
i realise on the cover it says a 'faith and devine' production. but in very small writing.
insidious bastards.
piha is stil a wash of white.
everyone join hands and pray with me for good surf on sunday please..
one, two, three
PRAY!
:)
The day punctuated with 'i wonder where the ....... is? Get out the manual!
I wonder how you put the windscreen washer on, I wonder where the cigarette lighter is (to charge my phone)
Dan read the manual aloud to me and like all good manuals, it sounded like they'd missed out a few CRUCIAL words or translated from japanese: Dash drop push button top top steering wheel turn wiper six setting int.
????
It was fun. We were like two little girls in their dads stolen car. Dan said dads car. I said NO SEXY CAR!!!! she said, ahhh okay sexy car. She may never learn.
It took me 5 attempts and making Dan get out to look to parallel park the beast.
I nearly gave up. Dan said: you weren't going to give up. She's probably right.
And I worked out the six CD changer, bought three new cds and pumped them on the wickedly good sterio.
And now, tired from playing, the guilt is settling in.
The planet is going to hell in a handbasket and I just joined the front of the line of excessive consumption of unsustainable resources.
War ravages the planet, the most horrific inhumane atrocitites occur billions of times every day in almost every country except this one, and oil, has it's finger on the trigger.
It feels like a complete suicide of my value system.
And just when I was getting un-characteristically un-apathetic enough to start doing something about the things I care about.
How can I turn up at 'save te arai' rallies in a hummer. practically a tank.
oyeish.
somebody help me. I haven't got the answer to salve my wounded sense of justice. I cannot reconcile my expectations with my reality.
You know, i love this planet, with real feeling. Like a parent, or a child.
in other news
lately i've been thinking alot about the apparent fact that we all can only see things through our own framework. I actually see a frame, held around our heads, this that we can only see through.
Through the experiences we've already had, these mould our brain to expect certain experiences.
I remember learing about the part of the brain (don't ask me what part! ha) that had the job of recognition of items already encountered. They gave the example of putting your hand into your pocket and finding a coin there, and recognising it as a coin by its shape, texture, weight, because you'd encountered a coin before.
Ever felt something and expected it to be one thing and it turned out to be another, how the brain swells.
These experiences must get somewhat ingrained, and experiences we have alot of, must take the forefront in the list of possible interpretations.
Especially in reference to people.
Don't we ONLY have reactions to people and things, in relation to all the other things we've encountered?
Don't we only have emotions or feelings about a thing, because of all the things we associate it with? That may be unrelated save for our own, personal, utterly unique pick-a-path history of experiences?
I am constantly in a state of approval and disapproval of my environment based on things that have already happen. Everything is nostalgic in some part. Smells are so evocative, the type of light, that will transport me, texture, carpets, seats, clothes.
I'm bumper car-ring from one experience to the next saying: unconsciously (well somewhat consciously) saying: this reminds me of...
I also wonder, when it starts that nothing new can really happen to you.
When do you stop having firsts, experiencing things and feeling your brain expanding and twisting and trying to get its teeth around this. Forming impressions.
I don't spend anywhere near enough time with my incredibly smart and wonderfully original niece, but when i do, i notice her having new experience after new experience.
What i also notice is the tactics she has developed, to deal with the experiences she gets ALOT of, like being told to do things, like wanting something she can't reach or isn't allowed.
Even at four, but of course at four, four years is an eternity, but even at four, she is creating, rapidly, a frame work of the world. And I worry for her. What framework this will be.
And i can hear my mum say: darling, at one.. in the WOMB you are creating a framework.
because thats true of human development isn't it.
i think of it alot in realtion to issues of race and racism, and culture barriers. Which are topics that I feel are smattered throughout my everyday. We ultimately know next to nothing about different cultures, races, and there are SO many different races in new zealand, and all of us bobbing about like apples in a bucket and encountering each other without any real understanding. But forming and holding dangerously strong opinions on each other, based on dress and skin colour.
This hit home to me when I saw that ad for intrepid journeys or whatever that programme is where B grade psuedo nz celebrities go to foriegn countries and dabble in their culture, bringing us home a little piece. well mary somebody the old host of good mornign went to a country where she had to where a burka (Sp). in the ad in a bus shelter there are two photos, one of her normal, died hair andmakeup, one of her in a burka. in the busstop, sat a woman in a burka.
and i felt really like, do we have ANY idea (we being white colonial new zealanders) how any of these people feel about any of this? Do we have any idea what is going on for them at all?
that was a tangent. you've all gone to sleep.these things really concern me.
isn't racism, and i don't mean hate crimes i mean judging people based on a handful of experiences, experiences that are totally blendered by the media, isn't that terrifying?
We are being lied to, and we are forming opinions based on those lies.
The most conscious of us, know only that we are being lied to, but not which parts about.
Oh god it terrifies me.
It really terrifies me because what it really means is
there is no reality.
Or at least, no reality that you, or I, or any one from the objectivity of their own perception, can ever truely know.
In relationships, friends, partners, parents, bosses, children, all relationships, their are two realities. No, there are infinite realities, but the ones that count are yours, and mine.
If those realities don't match, which they mostly don't, because how can they, in order for us to get along and agree we would have to be able to suspend our own belief in our reality, and understand willingly theirs, and then submit our reality to the apparent truths of their reality.
A humungous ask.
I can only do this readily for one person. And I don't know why that is. That I feel gentle enough towards her, and can care about our relationship enough to be willing to sacrifice my belief about reality. She does it for me too. It works well. We've been friends for 20 years.
Other than her, I don't hold out too much hope for us, me, and any relationships.
Especially because I so steadfastedly hold to my reality. But what else have you got?!
Unless of course you find people with fairly identical frameworks. Thats why old friends are the best friends, and why no one knows you better than your siblings.
I also remember learning this about the brain, that if you suspend all of it's senses: sight, sound, touch, smell and taste.. the mind very swiftly goes insane, has hallucinations and loses it's grip.
We are creating this framework, to keep us sane. And it is all, a made up game.
what a grave morning it is.
arrrggh. maybe it's because this storm slaughtered the surf.
oh and i bought a 'surf' dvd yesterday that turned out to be a BOOGIE boarding Dvd!!! you couldn't tell from the jacket, but in a much graver insult, it turned out to be a
CHRISTIAN BOOGIE BOARDING DVD
mother.
fuckers.
it got into scene two and the guy starts using the word pray alot. hmmm, okay.
then theres a full blown interview with this OTHERWISE nice young man saying, if i could have everyone know one thing it would be that there is a creator and he is our friend.
i will follow jesus forever.
It's not god, or jesus that bother me. it's christians.
i'm livid.
it was a horrible mistake and i'm taking the dvd back.
i realise on the cover it says a 'faith and devine' production. but in very small writing.
insidious bastards.
piha is stil a wash of white.
everyone join hands and pray with me for good surf on sunday please..
one, two, three
PRAY!
:)
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
internet dating and my new car
Me and Jimmy were MSNing the other day, weeks ago, and he got telling me about 'findsomeone' this dating site that had been really successful for him and before you know it we're both online signing up, me at home, him at work.
Initially I just went to look, but then you can't look at anything unless you sign up. Okay, so I sign up. ooooh and in you go, Alice. i'm just a free member so you can only send smiles, but gold members, who pay, can send messages. only gold members can send messages, so if i like someone, i must smile, and wait.
You get to make a profile, is anything harder, describe yourself, so that people will like you, without sounding desperate, weird, too confronting or lying, in twenty words. Or whatever.
Mine is long and rambling, surprise surprise, and honest, surprise surprise. But i've had trouble with the photo because i don't have any photos of me. not head shots. Obviously the photo is KEY to getting laid. no not laid, i just threw that in there for shock value, is the key to getting noticed.
no ones going to email someone they can't see is attractive are they.
except i did. I smiled at someone with no photo. because i liked what he had to say so much.
which i think shines in reflection on my un-shallow nature.
But I don't think men will do the same. I think a woman will get with a guy she likes, but a guys got to get with a woman he finds hot, no?
Anyway. It's just so funny. so weird. but not really weird at all.
My best friend OPENLY and excessively FROWNED on me for doing it.
She has issues about it. I think she thinks it's all about sex. She won't myspace either. And blogging gives her cold sweats.
she thinks it's all Gross Old Perverts Wanting Sex.
WEll, i'm sure there are a few gross old perverts wanting sex. The majority of dudes just seem, nice, and lonely, and sick of not being able to find anyone.
Ala me.
Lots of them seem very normal, intelligent, interesting.. but as one guy put it: all my friends are married and i'd like someone to take to all those couples things and hang out with on sundays.
I know, my friend, i bloodywell know.
Also, in retort to my best friends disgusted-in-me-ness, i can only say, I AM single, I WOULD like to meet someone rad and eventually have a REAL relationship with them.
Why, why can't i be honest about that? does it make me a bad, weak or terrible person?
Those who know me, which is everyone reading this right? know i'm not a bad, weak or terrible person and am infact, totally amazing. So internet dating cannot be a sign of poor character. Can it?
In all reality.. i do everything on line... i read the news on line, work on line, order on line, talk to clients on line, search for houses on line, i buy clothes and music on line, i research on line, i pay my bills on line...why wouldn't i date.. on line..?
And furthermore, my friend Amy's gay friend karl, met the love of his life on line, is moving to rotorua for him and they're getting civil ceremonied. so there you go.
Well, I haven't had that much success, yet, without a photo to come up when you search.
clearly if they could see how drop dead hot cakes i am, i'd be being inundated, but i get by alright with just my personality.
Jimmy's been doing great. He's had lunches. The rest he has to tell me face to face cuz he couldn't say on the phone at work, oooo la la!
Jimmy's another PERFECT example of some young, hot, talented, smart, ambitious, successful, kind hearted, motivated, funny, interesting, perfectly loveable person, who cannot meet the right girl.
I'll tell you what i find interesting and entertaining though.
I"m very opinionated, i come across as such in my profile, i think. lots to say.
And i wonder, if that works for me, as a first impression....
i dont' give a shit if it doesn't, just wondering...
Jimmy's, is pretty short, and sweet, and to the point, and 'if you want to know, come and find out' which is genius really. i might even go simplify mine. what is it they say about leaving something to the imagination?
I was addicted to it for several days. I came home at 3am from being out drinking one morning and signed on, eager to see who'd left me 'smiles' or messages. It's a very nice feeling, people you've never met saying: hey you seem great, hello.
the weirdest i got was a 39year old who said 'hey sexy'
and thats not even weird. just a bit old.
Then I got a bit busier and it got swiftly culled.
So now I just have one findsomeone friend. but every now and then i sign in and drift through the archives of mens faces and have this feeling like they are little boxes of goods, sitting on a shelf, with a picture on the front and inside the box is all this stuff, history, personality, attributes, dreams and wishes, all the things that make a person, all fit together in this one, unique way.
a shopping channel for people. and no two people the same.
THe picture may or may not tell you about what is in the box, because you can never be sure really can you.. bad light? old photo..?
waiting
waiting to get chosen
and then if you did get chosen, you'd take your profile off wouldn't you?
bumped off into relationshipland living in the warm embrace of couplesville
one bus ride from happyhomes and whitepicketfences
and leave room at the end for new, single, hopefuls. (N.S.H.)
I'll tell you something else interesting. I went and searched through the womens pages cuz i suddenly wanted to know what kind of women were doing this, and people, the standard is MUCH higher. much higher.
I found a girl on there i thought was too damn good to pass up, really good looking, blonde, genuinely smile, tall, athletic, interesting, a teacher, sporty, seemed really nice, profile seemed normal, clever. her one liner was 'dateless, not desperate!' which appealed to me. I couldn't believe she was even on this dating site (which means i DO have judgements about these people including myself) she seemed so great.
so i forwarded her to jimmy.
saying i think someone oughta take this one.
think he did too. imagine if they work out and it was all my doing.
Well thats all. I just thought it was so interesting. I threatened my best friend that if i actually meet someone and imagine if we worked out and got married and she had to do a speech at my wedding that started
"they met online in a dating website"
she looked sideways at me and frowned deeply.
haha.
changing topic completely.
Everything I said about not needing or wanting a flash car?
totally rubbish.
my car is the most amazingly beautiful piece of metal i've ever touched.
it's sleek and black and shiny and humungous.
it is SO comfortable, everything inside is electric, everything adjustable, everything smooth.
i Stopped to get petrol on the way home yesterday and couldn't find the petrol tank opener, it's so new. this really nice young guy came over and was EXCESSIVELY helpful, you know why? cuz of my flash car. oh and maybe my skirt. and the wind. it's a whoooole new world, and not one i'm against.
the button turned out to be in the door.
when you turn off the key the inside light FADES on.. and FADES off.
if cars could talk, this one would be saying:
Good morning beautiful, fuck your sexy, take this off and let me...
It's 3.5 Litre, which is totally fucking ridiculous, and i still cringe about that.
but i'll tell you somthing, she takes off, smoothly, and breaks (ABS) smoooothly
man she's got power i've never been behind
and she purs.
and FAT wheels and four wheel drive and she HUGS the corners even in the rain and nothing goes sliding down the seat. stomach contents never lurch to one side.
and a good sterio.
Pants popped over last night to see, his little eyes bugged out. and he pointed out the 'boy toy' bits on it, like, it's an automatic, but then the stick has a slidey bit that is like a few extra gears.
it's basically for hooning, and i'll never use it, but it looks rad.
it also has cruise control. i could go on.
When i got home i had to get my house key out of my car, i leaned in old bessy and sniffed her damp smell and got the scratch of sand under my knees and looked around at the mess and thought
i can never,
ever,
go back.
I'm a turncoat.
And not really bothered by it.
Oh and petrol card. so i just filler up and sign.
To consume is not good.
petrol is not good.
but if you must, and i must, to have other people pay for it
is actually quite good.
woo. i just got woozy in my chair and the screen went a bit blurry.
i wonder if it was all that talk about my fucking hot car.
Initially I just went to look, but then you can't look at anything unless you sign up. Okay, so I sign up. ooooh and in you go, Alice. i'm just a free member so you can only send smiles, but gold members, who pay, can send messages. only gold members can send messages, so if i like someone, i must smile, and wait.
You get to make a profile, is anything harder, describe yourself, so that people will like you, without sounding desperate, weird, too confronting or lying, in twenty words. Or whatever.
Mine is long and rambling, surprise surprise, and honest, surprise surprise. But i've had trouble with the photo because i don't have any photos of me. not head shots. Obviously the photo is KEY to getting laid. no not laid, i just threw that in there for shock value, is the key to getting noticed.
no ones going to email someone they can't see is attractive are they.
except i did. I smiled at someone with no photo. because i liked what he had to say so much.
which i think shines in reflection on my un-shallow nature.
But I don't think men will do the same. I think a woman will get with a guy she likes, but a guys got to get with a woman he finds hot, no?
Anyway. It's just so funny. so weird. but not really weird at all.
My best friend OPENLY and excessively FROWNED on me for doing it.
She has issues about it. I think she thinks it's all about sex. She won't myspace either. And blogging gives her cold sweats.
she thinks it's all Gross Old Perverts Wanting Sex.
WEll, i'm sure there are a few gross old perverts wanting sex. The majority of dudes just seem, nice, and lonely, and sick of not being able to find anyone.
Ala me.
Lots of them seem very normal, intelligent, interesting.. but as one guy put it: all my friends are married and i'd like someone to take to all those couples things and hang out with on sundays.
I know, my friend, i bloodywell know.
Also, in retort to my best friends disgusted-in-me-ness, i can only say, I AM single, I WOULD like to meet someone rad and eventually have a REAL relationship with them.
Why, why can't i be honest about that? does it make me a bad, weak or terrible person?
Those who know me, which is everyone reading this right? know i'm not a bad, weak or terrible person and am infact, totally amazing. So internet dating cannot be a sign of poor character. Can it?
In all reality.. i do everything on line... i read the news on line, work on line, order on line, talk to clients on line, search for houses on line, i buy clothes and music on line, i research on line, i pay my bills on line...why wouldn't i date.. on line..?
And furthermore, my friend Amy's gay friend karl, met the love of his life on line, is moving to rotorua for him and they're getting civil ceremonied. so there you go.
Well, I haven't had that much success, yet, without a photo to come up when you search.
clearly if they could see how drop dead hot cakes i am, i'd be being inundated, but i get by alright with just my personality.
Jimmy's been doing great. He's had lunches. The rest he has to tell me face to face cuz he couldn't say on the phone at work, oooo la la!
Jimmy's another PERFECT example of some young, hot, talented, smart, ambitious, successful, kind hearted, motivated, funny, interesting, perfectly loveable person, who cannot meet the right girl.
I'll tell you what i find interesting and entertaining though.
I"m very opinionated, i come across as such in my profile, i think. lots to say.
And i wonder, if that works for me, as a first impression....
i dont' give a shit if it doesn't, just wondering...
Jimmy's, is pretty short, and sweet, and to the point, and 'if you want to know, come and find out' which is genius really. i might even go simplify mine. what is it they say about leaving something to the imagination?
I was addicted to it for several days. I came home at 3am from being out drinking one morning and signed on, eager to see who'd left me 'smiles' or messages. It's a very nice feeling, people you've never met saying: hey you seem great, hello.
the weirdest i got was a 39year old who said 'hey sexy'
and thats not even weird. just a bit old.
Then I got a bit busier and it got swiftly culled.
So now I just have one findsomeone friend. but every now and then i sign in and drift through the archives of mens faces and have this feeling like they are little boxes of goods, sitting on a shelf, with a picture on the front and inside the box is all this stuff, history, personality, attributes, dreams and wishes, all the things that make a person, all fit together in this one, unique way.
a shopping channel for people. and no two people the same.
THe picture may or may not tell you about what is in the box, because you can never be sure really can you.. bad light? old photo..?
waiting
waiting to get chosen
and then if you did get chosen, you'd take your profile off wouldn't you?
bumped off into relationshipland living in the warm embrace of couplesville
one bus ride from happyhomes and whitepicketfences
and leave room at the end for new, single, hopefuls. (N.S.H.)
I'll tell you something else interesting. I went and searched through the womens pages cuz i suddenly wanted to know what kind of women were doing this, and people, the standard is MUCH higher. much higher.
I found a girl on there i thought was too damn good to pass up, really good looking, blonde, genuinely smile, tall, athletic, interesting, a teacher, sporty, seemed really nice, profile seemed normal, clever. her one liner was 'dateless, not desperate!' which appealed to me. I couldn't believe she was even on this dating site (which means i DO have judgements about these people including myself) she seemed so great.
so i forwarded her to jimmy.
saying i think someone oughta take this one.
think he did too. imagine if they work out and it was all my doing.
Well thats all. I just thought it was so interesting. I threatened my best friend that if i actually meet someone and imagine if we worked out and got married and she had to do a speech at my wedding that started
"they met online in a dating website"
she looked sideways at me and frowned deeply.
haha.
changing topic completely.
Everything I said about not needing or wanting a flash car?
totally rubbish.
my car is the most amazingly beautiful piece of metal i've ever touched.
it's sleek and black and shiny and humungous.
it is SO comfortable, everything inside is electric, everything adjustable, everything smooth.
i Stopped to get petrol on the way home yesterday and couldn't find the petrol tank opener, it's so new. this really nice young guy came over and was EXCESSIVELY helpful, you know why? cuz of my flash car. oh and maybe my skirt. and the wind. it's a whoooole new world, and not one i'm against.
the button turned out to be in the door.
when you turn off the key the inside light FADES on.. and FADES off.
if cars could talk, this one would be saying:
Good morning beautiful, fuck your sexy, take this off and let me...
It's 3.5 Litre, which is totally fucking ridiculous, and i still cringe about that.
but i'll tell you somthing, she takes off, smoothly, and breaks (ABS) smoooothly
man she's got power i've never been behind
and she purs.
and FAT wheels and four wheel drive and she HUGS the corners even in the rain and nothing goes sliding down the seat. stomach contents never lurch to one side.
and a good sterio.
Pants popped over last night to see, his little eyes bugged out. and he pointed out the 'boy toy' bits on it, like, it's an automatic, but then the stick has a slidey bit that is like a few extra gears.
it's basically for hooning, and i'll never use it, but it looks rad.
it also has cruise control. i could go on.
When i got home i had to get my house key out of my car, i leaned in old bessy and sniffed her damp smell and got the scratch of sand under my knees and looked around at the mess and thought
i can never,
ever,
go back.
I'm a turncoat.
And not really bothered by it.
Oh and petrol card. so i just filler up and sign.
To consume is not good.
petrol is not good.
but if you must, and i must, to have other people pay for it
is actually quite good.
woo. i just got woozy in my chair and the screen went a bit blurry.
i wonder if it was all that talk about my fucking hot car.
Monday, March 12, 2007
bad surf days, like bad hair days, only actually bad
Mangawhai heads was about the worst conditions I've ever surfed in today.
No , not surfed in it. Thats a lie. Haha. I'm not sure what you would call what I was doing.
It was worrying even me. hee hee.
I wasn't going to go up, but then i got that feeling in my belly that i haven't known before surfing...
that, i'm at home missing out on good surf feeling.
A bit like, i'm missing out on a great party, the girl/guy i'm infatuated with is going to be there and i'm not, feeling, but stronger.
And then Old Man Pants was keen to go and thats all the encouragement i needed so up we went.
Oooh shit it was windy, and it wasn't offshore, it was changing constantly but it was very cross winds. It was all white. Out on the bar they were perfect and peeling but like a fucking freight train, truely. the water was all over the place, the currents i mean, moving hell fast.
the rip was about 15 metres wide you know, swirling and eddying. if it looks ginormous (sp) from up on the hill, guess how it looks when it's next to you. I can't believe Pants was even LOOKING in that direction. he was like, blah blah out there.. and i'm like, (snort, choke) i wouldnt' go out there for ANY amount of money. not even if i could SURF.
So then the beach it'self was just really white, every six or seventh wave barrelled a bit before it closed out. Pants talked to some locals and they agreed the water was moving pretty fast out by the bar and they reckoned Forestry would be good. so we set off for that. whereever that is. instead we ended up at Te Arai point. And it was a total washing machine. a
A complete Jeckel and Hyde from the last time i saw it. ravaged. brutal. Where were those clean little 1-2footers of my happiest memories...?! gone they were, gone to days of yore.
So we made a quick decision to go back up to Mangawhai. by the time we'd got back it'd cleaned up alot. so in we went.
Pants has got balls of steel actually. he just went straight out to backline and like, the faces on these things, when the big sets came through, sheeeeeit. They just built and built and built.
I wasn't going to go out there. again, not for money, not even if i could surf.
So i kinda, shit what did i do, i kinda paddled around and around in circles, getting sucked down the beach in the rip, paddling up, ducking under, riding white water, in the shallows and the whitewash. I wasn't prepared to go out to backline, but there was nowhere clean enough to sit and catch little ones. And this fucking killer rip, that just sucked you down and out the end of the beach before you could say look there goes my car.
There were rocks too. oh god NOW i'm whinging. but there were, all the way out, sneak up on you, and i cut my foot on them. okay i scratched my foot, but it hurt. it stung. a little.
i also stood on a fish. slimy fat thing. imagine how quick i jumped on my board?
I kept telling myself remember saturday, remember sunday, really nice conditions out at piha and everything was sweet. it's this fucking wind thats ruining everything
not just your chicken shit guts chopped liver yellow bellied run for the hills scaredy cat arse.
but it was that too.
i think i've lost my nerve.
what nerve i never had.
anyway i didn't want to go in, and i kept pushing on out through the white, and catching this rubbish closed out white wash. but i can't say i wasn't having a good time.
i can never take my eyes off waves, for some reason it doesn't get boring watching every single wave form, curl, fold and careen onto the beach. never a boring one.
anyway yeah. oh so then someone brought their primary school down, and i was like, are you shitting me?!?!?! you're going to let 7-10 year olds 'swim' in this turbine??!?!?! yes they were.
with boogie boards and inflatable things. That REALLY really put me in my place.
i was the biggest kid with the flashest board and the meanest gears, paddling in the shallows.
SHAME man. SHame.
okay okay i'm going to buy a boogie board.. JUST for these kinda days!!!
One young boy walked past me on my way up to the car with a MAAAASIVE inflatable fluro green CHAIR and looked enviously at my board and then inferring his own 'board' he said: "this isn't a very good surfboard' (meaning the chair). and i in my tireless honesty replied: it really isn't a surfboard at all. and he looked down at it and said: yeah.
i should have given him my board and taken up table tennis. i'm a terrible chopped liver no balls chicken shit scaredy ass tomb stone dick wad bandit. or something.
bad surfer.
anyways.
i do'nt know exactly why this blog has turned into tales of suring.. it was never meant to.
maybe it's cuz surfing is the only eventful thing i do, and the only thing clean enough to write about.
snort. snigger.
i've officially finished at the gym!!!!
and the bar!!
this can only mean one thing.....
No , not surfed in it. Thats a lie. Haha. I'm not sure what you would call what I was doing.
It was worrying even me. hee hee.
I wasn't going to go up, but then i got that feeling in my belly that i haven't known before surfing...
that, i'm at home missing out on good surf feeling.
A bit like, i'm missing out on a great party, the girl/guy i'm infatuated with is going to be there and i'm not, feeling, but stronger.
And then Old Man Pants was keen to go and thats all the encouragement i needed so up we went.
Oooh shit it was windy, and it wasn't offshore, it was changing constantly but it was very cross winds. It was all white. Out on the bar they were perfect and peeling but like a fucking freight train, truely. the water was all over the place, the currents i mean, moving hell fast.
the rip was about 15 metres wide you know, swirling and eddying. if it looks ginormous (sp) from up on the hill, guess how it looks when it's next to you. I can't believe Pants was even LOOKING in that direction. he was like, blah blah out there.. and i'm like, (snort, choke) i wouldnt' go out there for ANY amount of money. not even if i could SURF.
So then the beach it'self was just really white, every six or seventh wave barrelled a bit before it closed out. Pants talked to some locals and they agreed the water was moving pretty fast out by the bar and they reckoned Forestry would be good. so we set off for that. whereever that is. instead we ended up at Te Arai point. And it was a total washing machine. a
A complete Jeckel and Hyde from the last time i saw it. ravaged. brutal. Where were those clean little 1-2footers of my happiest memories...?! gone they were, gone to days of yore.
So we made a quick decision to go back up to Mangawhai. by the time we'd got back it'd cleaned up alot. so in we went.
Pants has got balls of steel actually. he just went straight out to backline and like, the faces on these things, when the big sets came through, sheeeeeit. They just built and built and built.
I wasn't going to go out there. again, not for money, not even if i could surf.
So i kinda, shit what did i do, i kinda paddled around and around in circles, getting sucked down the beach in the rip, paddling up, ducking under, riding white water, in the shallows and the whitewash. I wasn't prepared to go out to backline, but there was nowhere clean enough to sit and catch little ones. And this fucking killer rip, that just sucked you down and out the end of the beach before you could say look there goes my car.
There were rocks too. oh god NOW i'm whinging. but there were, all the way out, sneak up on you, and i cut my foot on them. okay i scratched my foot, but it hurt. it stung. a little.
i also stood on a fish. slimy fat thing. imagine how quick i jumped on my board?
I kept telling myself remember saturday, remember sunday, really nice conditions out at piha and everything was sweet. it's this fucking wind thats ruining everything
not just your chicken shit guts chopped liver yellow bellied run for the hills scaredy cat arse.
but it was that too.
i think i've lost my nerve.
what nerve i never had.
anyway i didn't want to go in, and i kept pushing on out through the white, and catching this rubbish closed out white wash. but i can't say i wasn't having a good time.
i can never take my eyes off waves, for some reason it doesn't get boring watching every single wave form, curl, fold and careen onto the beach. never a boring one.
anyway yeah. oh so then someone brought their primary school down, and i was like, are you shitting me?!?!?! you're going to let 7-10 year olds 'swim' in this turbine??!?!?! yes they were.
with boogie boards and inflatable things. That REALLY really put me in my place.
i was the biggest kid with the flashest board and the meanest gears, paddling in the shallows.
SHAME man. SHame.
okay okay i'm going to buy a boogie board.. JUST for these kinda days!!!
One young boy walked past me on my way up to the car with a MAAAASIVE inflatable fluro green CHAIR and looked enviously at my board and then inferring his own 'board' he said: "this isn't a very good surfboard' (meaning the chair). and i in my tireless honesty replied: it really isn't a surfboard at all. and he looked down at it and said: yeah.
i should have given him my board and taken up table tennis. i'm a terrible chopped liver no balls chicken shit scaredy ass tomb stone dick wad bandit. or something.
bad surfer.
anyways.
i do'nt know exactly why this blog has turned into tales of suring.. it was never meant to.
maybe it's cuz surfing is the only eventful thing i do, and the only thing clean enough to write about.
snort. snigger.
i've officially finished at the gym!!!!
and the bar!!
this can only mean one thing.....
Isn't the rain a relief
Crack the swollen melon of heat and let
Cool juice run down your skin
Let out your breath
Sit down
Take off your clothes that pinched your waist
Your shoes that crowded your toes
Lie down and listen don't listen fade away
Rain noise muffling world noise
Creating the only silence there is
Rain silence
Peace in your mind
I want to go surf east coast tomorrow, 1-2ft at Te Arai and NW winds and if i am lucky it will rain
Te arai is so beautiful
Sand like crumpled beige slacks
An arm of beach that reaches into to the neverlands
Ends you never see
Transparent water
your legs circling beneath you and your shadow visible down below
on the sand
at the bottom
beige sand
I want to see it surrendered under a grey mohair blanket of
rain clouds
and sit on my board with rain falling on my cheeks
happy tears
Crack the swollen melon of heat and let
Cool juice run down your skin
Let out your breath
Sit down
Take off your clothes that pinched your waist
Your shoes that crowded your toes
Lie down and listen don't listen fade away
Rain noise muffling world noise
Creating the only silence there is
Rain silence
Peace in your mind
I want to go surf east coast tomorrow, 1-2ft at Te Arai and NW winds and if i am lucky it will rain
Te arai is so beautiful
Sand like crumpled beige slacks
An arm of beach that reaches into to the neverlands
Ends you never see
Transparent water
your legs circling beneath you and your shadow visible down below
on the sand
at the bottom
beige sand
I want to see it surrendered under a grey mohair blanket of
rain clouds
and sit on my board with rain falling on my cheeks
happy tears
Friday, March 9, 2007
hello daniel, nice going winning the nationals
It's funny, one day you're watching Daniel Kereopa win the nationals on highlights on the late news, the next day, he surfs past you at Piha and people are taking photo's of him, photo's you're probably in the background of.
And he looks just like he does on tele. And he surfed onto the SAND and stood up and walked in.
Like some sorta surfing superhero. ha ha.
After wanting badly to go out for three days and not being able to, i'm SO glad i went out today. Even with this hangover and super duper tired.
Conditions were so different, I've never surfed in it when it's been like that before.
There were two breaks, the one out the back that the comp was on, and the little shore break right down in front near the rocks on the very left of piha. It was the choicest little wave. The swell picked up real quick and did these fat, short little waves and mostly barrels that you could really get long rides out of. Not me, I couldn't. Lots did though.
And it was so shallow. You could stand shoulder deep, and catch them from there.
I didn't catch that much. But it doesn't mean anything it was a beautiful fucking day and i'm stoked out.
There were these young dudes out there with the concentrated expressions that I've only ever seen on athletes, and an air of arrogance that cannot be feigned and only comes with mastery.
These guys were so fucking good. They were doing aerial this and that, flips and stuff. There was a dude on the beach taking photo's the whole time. I kept thinking maybe they're trying to get 'noticed'. like by sponsors or something.
he he he he. so i wade out, paddle paddle. Everytime i go out i have to give myself this little pep talk, it's dumb and i shouldn't be telling you but i have to say: check your ego. take it off and leave it in the car. you're not good at this, but you have every right to try. you're here for you. not to look good. So just do it, stop worrying that everyone will hate you for being on there wave.
But today the guy on the mike mc'ing the comp is saying to the whole of piha "will the 'homo's' and 'cock's' riding long boards in teh competition area get out of the water."
So i'm like, holy shit is that ME.
This is worse than getting told off at assembly!!!!!
So i asked these young dudes if THEY were in the competition and they're like: nah.
It was EVERYTHING they could do to say one word to me.
a girl? and i suck?
Just don't mess with their waves i guess.
I'm not about that really.
I'm about fun for all.
Nah but they were sweet as.
But oh my god this guy on the mike. talk about ruining the vibe at the beach.
Drunken MC's to the max.
some ex national surfer or something. some dudes shouldn't be given mikes.
cock, and homo, sound REALLY bad amplified.
there were CHILDREN there you know? Babies.
you don't say cock in front of babies.
and he kept calling the female surfers 'lovely lovely ladies'.
and saying 'the flowers are in bloom'
Cock.
they're the national fucking champs and he can't stop talking about them like prospects at a bar.
ew grosse he was seedy.
anyway thats all by the by cuz the surf was mint. the light was really white and the sea very shiny and all so painfully beautiful as always.
took me awhile to figure out how to catch them, took me nearly all day actually, but finally i got it. they didn't have much power so you had to get right down the front of your board but ARCH back so you didn't get tipped off.
I got it. got a few rides. oooo theres nothign better. theres nothing better.
Many, many body surfs in trailing board behind me too. which cracks me up.
i'm over surfing hungover though ahy it sucks.
i was out about an hour and a half which is good going i guess, but by the end i can barely push up onto my arms let alone my feet. need more energy. less booze.
yeah right.
lorens 21st last night. 21st's!!!! i'm so ooooolllllddd. i just got wrinkly being at that 21st i swear.
it was great though. bar tab lasted til the end which is practically unheard of.
there was speeches, me of course, dancing, me of course, and and singing. guess who.
and now tonight dans house warming and im' BEYOND tired. i'm so tired i couldn't sleep.
do you know that tired? the tired that hurts? that tired.
but the theme is blue which is the best ever them because a)it's my favourite colour and b)i look great it blue and c)it's really easy to dress up for.
and so yeah i should be dressing up in blue, not writing this blog.
wonder what the weathers doing tomorrow....
And he looks just like he does on tele. And he surfed onto the SAND and stood up and walked in.
Like some sorta surfing superhero. ha ha.
After wanting badly to go out for three days and not being able to, i'm SO glad i went out today. Even with this hangover and super duper tired.
Conditions were so different, I've never surfed in it when it's been like that before.
There were two breaks, the one out the back that the comp was on, and the little shore break right down in front near the rocks on the very left of piha. It was the choicest little wave. The swell picked up real quick and did these fat, short little waves and mostly barrels that you could really get long rides out of. Not me, I couldn't. Lots did though.
And it was so shallow. You could stand shoulder deep, and catch them from there.
I didn't catch that much. But it doesn't mean anything it was a beautiful fucking day and i'm stoked out.
There were these young dudes out there with the concentrated expressions that I've only ever seen on athletes, and an air of arrogance that cannot be feigned and only comes with mastery.
These guys were so fucking good. They were doing aerial this and that, flips and stuff. There was a dude on the beach taking photo's the whole time. I kept thinking maybe they're trying to get 'noticed'. like by sponsors or something.
he he he he. so i wade out, paddle paddle. Everytime i go out i have to give myself this little pep talk, it's dumb and i shouldn't be telling you but i have to say: check your ego. take it off and leave it in the car. you're not good at this, but you have every right to try. you're here for you. not to look good. So just do it, stop worrying that everyone will hate you for being on there wave.
But today the guy on the mike mc'ing the comp is saying to the whole of piha "will the 'homo's' and 'cock's' riding long boards in teh competition area get out of the water."
So i'm like, holy shit is that ME.
This is worse than getting told off at assembly!!!!!
So i asked these young dudes if THEY were in the competition and they're like: nah.
It was EVERYTHING they could do to say one word to me.
a girl? and i suck?
Just don't mess with their waves i guess.
I'm not about that really.
I'm about fun for all.
Nah but they were sweet as.
But oh my god this guy on the mike. talk about ruining the vibe at the beach.
Drunken MC's to the max.
some ex national surfer or something. some dudes shouldn't be given mikes.
cock, and homo, sound REALLY bad amplified.
there were CHILDREN there you know? Babies.
you don't say cock in front of babies.
and he kept calling the female surfers 'lovely lovely ladies'.
and saying 'the flowers are in bloom'
Cock.
they're the national fucking champs and he can't stop talking about them like prospects at a bar.
ew grosse he was seedy.
anyway thats all by the by cuz the surf was mint. the light was really white and the sea very shiny and all so painfully beautiful as always.
took me awhile to figure out how to catch them, took me nearly all day actually, but finally i got it. they didn't have much power so you had to get right down the front of your board but ARCH back so you didn't get tipped off.
I got it. got a few rides. oooo theres nothign better. theres nothing better.
Many, many body surfs in trailing board behind me too. which cracks me up.
i'm over surfing hungover though ahy it sucks.
i was out about an hour and a half which is good going i guess, but by the end i can barely push up onto my arms let alone my feet. need more energy. less booze.
yeah right.
lorens 21st last night. 21st's!!!! i'm so ooooolllllddd. i just got wrinkly being at that 21st i swear.
it was great though. bar tab lasted til the end which is practically unheard of.
there was speeches, me of course, dancing, me of course, and and singing. guess who.
and now tonight dans house warming and im' BEYOND tired. i'm so tired i couldn't sleep.
do you know that tired? the tired that hurts? that tired.
but the theme is blue which is the best ever them because a)it's my favourite colour and b)i look great it blue and c)it's really easy to dress up for.
and so yeah i should be dressing up in blue, not writing this blog.
wonder what the weathers doing tomorrow....
Wednesday, March 7, 2007
real world anxiety
I want to sleep til ten.
I want to get up and eat breakfast and check my emails for an hour.
Or two.
I want anything before 12pm to be 'early'
and the dark quiet hours after 9 to be 'me' time.
I want to stay up past 12 watching an educational documentary on tele.
Glad that I caught it.
All about penguins.
How clever I will be.
I want to put loud music on, take all my clothes out of the closet, try them on one by one, decide if I still like them, fold them, put them back, line up all my shoes, wear a tshirt, shorts and a headscarf I haven't touched for six years all day, and take a kleensack of clothes up to the opshop.
And call it a days work.
I want to write blogs. Long blogs that almost nobody reads.
And nobody needs.
Bad poems and poorly writ stories with overused adjectives and unnecessary hyperbole.
Because I want to. And I can.
I want to go surfing. When the surf is good. And when it is bad. And spend hours on the the beach.
Hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours.
And feel virtuous. And clean.
And dream.
I want to go away. For a day. For two days. While all the world is at work.
Eat sandwiches made from food in the cardboard box in my boot.
Chew through three packs of gum.
Wear my bikini every day and get sea hair.
I want to do Sudoku seven times a day. Often in bed.
I want to drive around when there is no traffic, because everybody is inside or somewhere else.
And always go 70. And never get stuck at lights.
I want to clean the house from top to bottom. and pick flowers and put them in a vase on display.
Do this all day.
I want to make a meal from a recipe. Peel and cut very small things. Make a meal that takes forever and looks marvelous and tastes devine. Make it for two and eat it all myself.
I want to wear Y back singlets with built in bras and short shorts and Jandals
everyday. And never be underdressed.
Well not always.
Sometimes I want to dress up, wear makeup, curl my hair, put on big shiny earrings and go out allllll night dancing.
And then sleep alllll the next day.
I want to read one article in the MSN news and feel I've done enough.
I want to sign up to things on the internet. Good causes.
Buy CDs online.
I want to get fed up, have a cold shower, and a nap, at 2 in the afternoon.
Lying in bed listening to only cicada's.
Occasional tuis.
I'm playing hide and seek.
And the world has long stopped looking and forgotten me.
That's okay I'm
Happy in my hideyhole.
I want to finish emailing, finish my blog and go for a reeeeally long run.
Come back, shower, eat, nap, and it nearly be dinner time.
I want to go visiting.
I want to stay in.
I want to apply for jobs from the safety of my room behind the wall of my screen
where nothing can get me, make me or touch me.
And then go back to bed.
And I am very worried
I have an inkling and I am feeling anxious
little inside and quivering in oversized boots
knees knocking and hair in my eyes
a weak bottom lip
i am concerned
that the real world is about to come
and drown my idle
in it's frantic, overinflated, and ever-so-important wake.
Yup, I see it on the horizon.
There is no place to run.
I want to get up and eat breakfast and check my emails for an hour.
Or two.
I want anything before 12pm to be 'early'
and the dark quiet hours after 9 to be 'me' time.
I want to stay up past 12 watching an educational documentary on tele.
Glad that I caught it.
All about penguins.
How clever I will be.
I want to put loud music on, take all my clothes out of the closet, try them on one by one, decide if I still like them, fold them, put them back, line up all my shoes, wear a tshirt, shorts and a headscarf I haven't touched for six years all day, and take a kleensack of clothes up to the opshop.
And call it a days work.
I want to write blogs. Long blogs that almost nobody reads.
And nobody needs.
Bad poems and poorly writ stories with overused adjectives and unnecessary hyperbole.
Because I want to. And I can.
I want to go surfing. When the surf is good. And when it is bad. And spend hours on the the beach.
Hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours.
And feel virtuous. And clean.
And dream.
I want to go away. For a day. For two days. While all the world is at work.
Eat sandwiches made from food in the cardboard box in my boot.
Chew through three packs of gum.
Wear my bikini every day and get sea hair.
I want to do Sudoku seven times a day. Often in bed.
I want to drive around when there is no traffic, because everybody is inside or somewhere else.
And always go 70. And never get stuck at lights.
I want to clean the house from top to bottom. and pick flowers and put them in a vase on display.
Do this all day.
I want to make a meal from a recipe. Peel and cut very small things. Make a meal that takes forever and looks marvelous and tastes devine. Make it for two and eat it all myself.
I want to wear Y back singlets with built in bras and short shorts and Jandals
everyday. And never be underdressed.
Well not always.
Sometimes I want to dress up, wear makeup, curl my hair, put on big shiny earrings and go out allllll night dancing.
And then sleep alllll the next day.
I want to read one article in the MSN news and feel I've done enough.
I want to sign up to things on the internet. Good causes.
Buy CDs online.
I want to get fed up, have a cold shower, and a nap, at 2 in the afternoon.
Lying in bed listening to only cicada's.
Occasional tuis.
I'm playing hide and seek.
And the world has long stopped looking and forgotten me.
That's okay I'm
Happy in my hideyhole.
I want to finish emailing, finish my blog and go for a reeeeally long run.
Come back, shower, eat, nap, and it nearly be dinner time.
I want to go visiting.
I want to stay in.
I want to apply for jobs from the safety of my room behind the wall of my screen
where nothing can get me, make me or touch me.
And then go back to bed.
And I am very worried
I have an inkling and I am feeling anxious
little inside and quivering in oversized boots
knees knocking and hair in my eyes
a weak bottom lip
i am concerned
that the real world is about to come
and drown my idle
in it's frantic, overinflated, and ever-so-important wake.
Yup, I see it on the horizon.
There is no place to run.
Sunday, March 4, 2007
sometimes the answers find you
Well I'm a genius.
No you know, I'm just pleased as punch because I've cut myself a fringe and now my hair doesn't go in my eyes when I'm surfing.
I'm sure you don't realise what a big deal this is but when you get onto a wave everything happens so fast and to not be able to see through seaweed hair is definately crippling those crucial immediate moments.
At this point those few moments are all I've got!
Well now I've fixed it. Pleased as punch.
After moving boxes and sneezing dust two days in a row I genuinely feel that a house fire would be equally as much a relief as it would be a tragedy.
So despite having only had five hours sleep because of my LAST BAR SHIFT EVER!!!!! And then being buggered from moving boxes, I rewarded myself with a surf out at piha.
It was fine, small, occassionally biggish, closing out a bit but good over in the corner far north.
Perhaps the tallest surfer I have ever seen said hello and then asked if
"I would like a tip from someone MUCH worse than me"
ABSOLUTELY!
"When you get up you're landing on your front foot which is pushing your nose down and thats why you're coming off".
So the very next wave I made a concerted effort to get that back foot through and dang if he wasn't absolultely correct. Managed to stay up a bit longer with that wave.
Paddling back out he said, my disclaimer is that I'm 6 foot 6 and my centre of gravity is all off.
I said
"no excuses mate"!
becaus the truth is, every object no matter what size has a centre of gravity ahy?
And anyway, no fricken excuses.
Then i had a wee chat to him about core training... mentioned how much I reckoned it was helping me... he seemed pretty much disinterested but it gave me an exciting notion.
What do probably ALOT of beginner and learning surfers need help with...
core stability, balance and agility...
three of my favourite things. Three things I myself have been training on for near three years, and train people on in the gym on a weekly basis.....
Next week I'm going to Raglan for a 'final fling' and going to meet up with the Surf Dames organiser Ange. Might just mention to her about my ideas about core training, see if she is interested in yours truely helping out with the surf school they run... I've already emailed her and she is psyched to meet up.
So I had a good little session then got tired. came in and had a drink and a snooze and then the wind changed as the sun sank and headed back out, but i's so tired, i kept trying to push up and slipping off the side. ridiculous. sometimes you need food and sleep, not surf, try as you might to ignore it.
Then just packing up to go, I swear surfers are the friendliest bunch of people I've ever met,
Pimm, from Holland, pulls up alongisde and strikes up a convy.
Turns out he's with Surf Safari and entered a few comps and clearly knows his surfing and after yarning for near on an hour we swap digits to hook up for some evening surfs.
Rad, cuz you know he's going to be FULL of helpful advice. Which is really what I need.
A teacher. And someone to talk to out there, I'm always talking and singing to myself.. between mouthfuls of saltwater..
And no it's not 'like that' at all.
Although I'm sure the bikini factor works in my favour. But hey.
I learnt a new term it is: 'trim'.
which is the angle your board is in relation to the wave.
Fascinating.
Obivously with longer boards you have a larger trim, or more scope for trim.
Trim is determined by the length of your board and where your weight is placed, and each wave requires a different alignment.
You see sometimes the things you need just find you.
Vunderbar.
:)
No you know, I'm just pleased as punch because I've cut myself a fringe and now my hair doesn't go in my eyes when I'm surfing.
I'm sure you don't realise what a big deal this is but when you get onto a wave everything happens so fast and to not be able to see through seaweed hair is definately crippling those crucial immediate moments.
At this point those few moments are all I've got!
Well now I've fixed it. Pleased as punch.
After moving boxes and sneezing dust two days in a row I genuinely feel that a house fire would be equally as much a relief as it would be a tragedy.
So despite having only had five hours sleep because of my LAST BAR SHIFT EVER!!!!! And then being buggered from moving boxes, I rewarded myself with a surf out at piha.
It was fine, small, occassionally biggish, closing out a bit but good over in the corner far north.
Perhaps the tallest surfer I have ever seen said hello and then asked if
"I would like a tip from someone MUCH worse than me"
ABSOLUTELY!
"When you get up you're landing on your front foot which is pushing your nose down and thats why you're coming off".
So the very next wave I made a concerted effort to get that back foot through and dang if he wasn't absolultely correct. Managed to stay up a bit longer with that wave.
Paddling back out he said, my disclaimer is that I'm 6 foot 6 and my centre of gravity is all off.
I said
"no excuses mate"!
becaus the truth is, every object no matter what size has a centre of gravity ahy?
And anyway, no fricken excuses.
Then i had a wee chat to him about core training... mentioned how much I reckoned it was helping me... he seemed pretty much disinterested but it gave me an exciting notion.
What do probably ALOT of beginner and learning surfers need help with...
core stability, balance and agility...
three of my favourite things. Three things I myself have been training on for near three years, and train people on in the gym on a weekly basis.....
Next week I'm going to Raglan for a 'final fling' and going to meet up with the Surf Dames organiser Ange. Might just mention to her about my ideas about core training, see if she is interested in yours truely helping out with the surf school they run... I've already emailed her and she is psyched to meet up.
So I had a good little session then got tired. came in and had a drink and a snooze and then the wind changed as the sun sank and headed back out, but i's so tired, i kept trying to push up and slipping off the side. ridiculous. sometimes you need food and sleep, not surf, try as you might to ignore it.
Then just packing up to go, I swear surfers are the friendliest bunch of people I've ever met,
Pimm, from Holland, pulls up alongisde and strikes up a convy.
Turns out he's with Surf Safari and entered a few comps and clearly knows his surfing and after yarning for near on an hour we swap digits to hook up for some evening surfs.
Rad, cuz you know he's going to be FULL of helpful advice. Which is really what I need.
A teacher. And someone to talk to out there, I'm always talking and singing to myself.. between mouthfuls of saltwater..
And no it's not 'like that' at all.
Although I'm sure the bikini factor works in my favour. But hey.
I learnt a new term it is: 'trim'.
which is the angle your board is in relation to the wave.
Fascinating.
Obivously with longer boards you have a larger trim, or more scope for trim.
Trim is determined by the length of your board and where your weight is placed, and each wave requires a different alignment.
You see sometimes the things you need just find you.
Vunderbar.
:)
Friday, March 2, 2007
a bug flew in my ear
oh man i so wanna go surfing tomorrow and pihas sposed to be 2-3 METRES.
i could drown just thinking about it. haha.
hey now did i tell you the one about the bug that flew in my ear?
It did! and it was TERRIBLE!!!!
The night before i left for soundsplash I had just put the light off and lay my head on my pillow and a fluttery thing fluttered around my head and I swatted it away and it zoomed back down and flew into MY EAR. FRUCK!
So I, because it was my instant reaction, jamed my finger in after it, pushing it even further down my aural cavity!!!!!!! FRUCK!
I sat bolt upright in bed in the dark and there was a moment of silence and then it started
moving!!!!!
I gave an almighty scream. a short, loud, sharp one that meant business, you know, not the "I found a spider" scream. Not the, "someone gave me a surprise" scream. NO it was the "very bad come now!" scream.
THen I got straight up and went to the kitchen where i met kae who had been roused by the scream.
POUR OIL IN MY EAR THERES A BUG IN THERE. i said to him very bossily and perfunctily.
I DISTINCTLY remember the A and P class at school were our fat and stupid lecturer, colin, the guy who left to do photocopying when you asked questions, said:
"once a kid in ED got a bee in it's ear, the kid was paniccing like nothing you'd ever seen"
we asked him what you do (because thats why where here colin, to find out what to DO)
and he said "you pour oil in after it to kill it"
and so i handed my brother first the balsamic vinegar, because from the side with a bug in your ear they look quite similar. then asked him if that was the vinegar and he smiled so i handed him the oil and he poured it in my ear.
silence.
i think we got it good.
and then.
FWUMP FWUMP FWUMP FWUMP FWUMP!
the bug, now with its wings drenched in OIL, is banging its little brains out on MY EARDRUM.
and god it's aweful.
it's seven ways to sunday aweful.
it is the most momentarily unbearable thing that I can remember happening to me in a long time.
totally different from near drownings. this is psychological warfare. this is like allllll those things they do on fear factor combined cuz theres a BUG in my HEAD.
oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no.
so then brother two and dad came running in and there i am face dripping with oil head on my side (bug-ear down hoping he might just FALL out).
and operation remove bug ensues.
With one man manning the torch, another holding the ear orifice, and one with a pair of tweezers these good good rescue men make a vallant attempt to remove the bug but do you know what.
that bug has gone in Goooood and deep.
Kae is fishing in my earhole trying not to get my eardrum with those pointy dam tweezers,
(OH! my eardrum just gave a sharp pain remembering!)
i swing between moments of childish shrieky 'GET IT OUT" panic, and tired resignation.
but when dad says 'i can see him' i feel hope, but then he says 'he's black'
and i nearly pass out.
hes black and he's in my head. oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god
Then i go in after it with an earbud. and GOOD LORD is the ear canal ever long.
You go in right, and then you hit a wall so you angle back and you can just about, i shit you not, get an ear bud the whole way in, and THAT is where the bug is hiding. deep in the recesses of my brain. festering and making it's plans to take over all control.
Dad is standing by tutting and frowning and saying we should go to a and e but i'm tiiiiired, i just want this bug thing over, i don't want to go to a and e in my oily pyjamas and be PUBlically humiliated like this!
i even say maybe it's dead and it'll be fine and dad says plainly. you have to get it out.
right.
good things parents.
Then Adri thinks we should put water in so we do that and god it hurts. sharp like a stick in the ear. and i FLING my head to one side to get the bug out. but nah man. this bug is cryptonite proof.
Adrian, GOD BLESS HIM, puts his mouth to my ear and suuuuuucks, as hard as he can.
but that aint moving him either.
And finally i have to admonish that the bug has got the upper hand in this situation and i need professional assistance.
so lucky lucky brother one gets to drive me to a and e and wait with me there with all the feverish babies and guys who've been in fights.
We go up to the counter and lovely lovely nurse Sylvan hears me out and grins a big warm grin and says, we get this alot, they'll be able to get it out.
I swoon with relief. shame and relief.
Then i see lovely doctor holden somebody and have to sign a disclaimer because everynow and then someone gets a punctured eardrum doing this...
and i'm like: what are my options. he's like: vacumme it out but that'd have to wait til tomorrow and you've PROBABLY drowned it with the oil, but it may just be dormant and come alive in the night.
GET. IT. OUT. NOW.
Cut off my ear and wave it at me but get it out. now.
visions of alien 3 with signour weaver erupting into alien when that alien baby bursts out of her are going through my mind and i sign signy sign.
Then lovely lovely nurse Sylvan comes and very simply syringes some very nice warm water alllllll the way into the ear and after a few squirts makes me a very happy girl with the words
'there he is'
'want to see'
goddam i want to see.
ew it's a flying insect with pointy wings, not much body but legs too.
ew thank GOD it's out.
and i make kae come look too, half for proof, half for reward. hehe.
and home we come.
with one ear feeling positively CLEANED OUT and the other ear feeling a big jealous and wondering what the fuss was all about.
I brought the bug home in a bag and i'm going to cast it in resin and make a necklace out of it
No i'm not!!!! ahahaha had you going.
and thats the one about the bug in my ear.
i could drown just thinking about it. haha.
hey now did i tell you the one about the bug that flew in my ear?
It did! and it was TERRIBLE!!!!
The night before i left for soundsplash I had just put the light off and lay my head on my pillow and a fluttery thing fluttered around my head and I swatted it away and it zoomed back down and flew into MY EAR. FRUCK!
So I, because it was my instant reaction, jamed my finger in after it, pushing it even further down my aural cavity!!!!!!! FRUCK!
I sat bolt upright in bed in the dark and there was a moment of silence and then it started
moving!!!!!
I gave an almighty scream. a short, loud, sharp one that meant business, you know, not the "I found a spider" scream. Not the, "someone gave me a surprise" scream. NO it was the "very bad come now!" scream.
THen I got straight up and went to the kitchen where i met kae who had been roused by the scream.
POUR OIL IN MY EAR THERES A BUG IN THERE. i said to him very bossily and perfunctily.
I DISTINCTLY remember the A and P class at school were our fat and stupid lecturer, colin, the guy who left to do photocopying when you asked questions, said:
"once a kid in ED got a bee in it's ear, the kid was paniccing like nothing you'd ever seen"
we asked him what you do (because thats why where here colin, to find out what to DO)
and he said "you pour oil in after it to kill it"
and so i handed my brother first the balsamic vinegar, because from the side with a bug in your ear they look quite similar. then asked him if that was the vinegar and he smiled so i handed him the oil and he poured it in my ear.
silence.
i think we got it good.
and then.
FWUMP FWUMP FWUMP FWUMP FWUMP!
the bug, now with its wings drenched in OIL, is banging its little brains out on MY EARDRUM.
and god it's aweful.
it's seven ways to sunday aweful.
it is the most momentarily unbearable thing that I can remember happening to me in a long time.
totally different from near drownings. this is psychological warfare. this is like allllll those things they do on fear factor combined cuz theres a BUG in my HEAD.
oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no.
so then brother two and dad came running in and there i am face dripping with oil head on my side (bug-ear down hoping he might just FALL out).
and operation remove bug ensues.
With one man manning the torch, another holding the ear orifice, and one with a pair of tweezers these good good rescue men make a vallant attempt to remove the bug but do you know what.
that bug has gone in Goooood and deep.
Kae is fishing in my earhole trying not to get my eardrum with those pointy dam tweezers,
(OH! my eardrum just gave a sharp pain remembering!)
i swing between moments of childish shrieky 'GET IT OUT" panic, and tired resignation.
but when dad says 'i can see him' i feel hope, but then he says 'he's black'
and i nearly pass out.
hes black and he's in my head. oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god
Then i go in after it with an earbud. and GOOD LORD is the ear canal ever long.
You go in right, and then you hit a wall so you angle back and you can just about, i shit you not, get an ear bud the whole way in, and THAT is where the bug is hiding. deep in the recesses of my brain. festering and making it's plans to take over all control.
Dad is standing by tutting and frowning and saying we should go to a and e but i'm tiiiiired, i just want this bug thing over, i don't want to go to a and e in my oily pyjamas and be PUBlically humiliated like this!
i even say maybe it's dead and it'll be fine and dad says plainly. you have to get it out.
right.
good things parents.
Then Adri thinks we should put water in so we do that and god it hurts. sharp like a stick in the ear. and i FLING my head to one side to get the bug out. but nah man. this bug is cryptonite proof.
Adrian, GOD BLESS HIM, puts his mouth to my ear and suuuuuucks, as hard as he can.
but that aint moving him either.
And finally i have to admonish that the bug has got the upper hand in this situation and i need professional assistance.
so lucky lucky brother one gets to drive me to a and e and wait with me there with all the feverish babies and guys who've been in fights.
We go up to the counter and lovely lovely nurse Sylvan hears me out and grins a big warm grin and says, we get this alot, they'll be able to get it out.
I swoon with relief. shame and relief.
Then i see lovely doctor holden somebody and have to sign a disclaimer because everynow and then someone gets a punctured eardrum doing this...
and i'm like: what are my options. he's like: vacumme it out but that'd have to wait til tomorrow and you've PROBABLY drowned it with the oil, but it may just be dormant and come alive in the night.
GET. IT. OUT. NOW.
Cut off my ear and wave it at me but get it out. now.
visions of alien 3 with signour weaver erupting into alien when that alien baby bursts out of her are going through my mind and i sign signy sign.
Then lovely lovely nurse Sylvan comes and very simply syringes some very nice warm water alllllll the way into the ear and after a few squirts makes me a very happy girl with the words
'there he is'
'want to see'
goddam i want to see.
ew it's a flying insect with pointy wings, not much body but legs too.
ew thank GOD it's out.
and i make kae come look too, half for proof, half for reward. hehe.
and home we come.
with one ear feeling positively CLEANED OUT and the other ear feeling a big jealous and wondering what the fuss was all about.
I brought the bug home in a bag and i'm going to cast it in resin and make a necklace out of it
No i'm not!!!! ahahaha had you going.
and thats the one about the bug in my ear.
Thursday, March 1, 2007
when you wish upon a star...
They're flying me to New York.. not til October but ahh.....
NEW
YORK
:D
I can go to the Guggenhiem museum!!!
I can do the Sex And The City Walk!!!!
OH my god i might even meet carrie! Does she still live there?
Lets play.. what else can clare do when she's in New York.. any suggestions?
NEW
YORK
:D
I can go to the Guggenhiem museum!!!
I can do the Sex And The City Walk!!!!
OH my god i might even meet carrie! Does she still live there?
Lets play.. what else can clare do when she's in New York.. any suggestions?
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