No kisses

I remember being inside your tent
just long enough for one, just wide enough for two
with a bit of space in between
space in which to decide if we are lovers or friends.

Inside your tent on a stinking hot afternoon, I like to remember this first,
We'd surfed ourselves weary, and eaten, and fucked
Wonderfully, unexpectedly and utterly naked, gross in our human sweat and blood but it not mattering because we have long known each other as human and loved each other anyway.
Flesh flesh sweat and tongues
Rich strong orgasms and love
Somewhere in that tangle,
love,
making all that is not right, seem alright.

After that we had rolled to our sides of the tent to pass into satisfied sleep but just before I passed out for good i awaken slightly and your hand
it's ever so soft palm
is gently cupping my head
in an ever so loving way
and I kiss it, naturally
as if it were all mine
and turn to you
and sleepily smile
And for a moment we have both forgotten that the best is over.

I snored, you said, a satisfied and happy snore
So, even in my sleep I am lying to myself
and even in my sleep,
betraying myself to you.
Yes
I was satisfied
Yes, I was happy.
Totally, utterly
both.

Inside that tent
at night, the last night
It is growing painful to remember now
I have to force myself into the memory
You play guitar and I sing
We both sing and I record it on your camera
Saving these memories, for what? do i think
We do our whole repetoir: Jack, Ben, Eddie, Simon
through the pages of our history, songs marking the dates
All those songs, all their meanings, that only we know
You strum
your beautiful, brown hands
their long, elegant fingers fanning over the frets
You are everything
Just as I remember
Everything I love
Still there.

We sing and we talk, again, like friends
I say things I thought I'd given up saying
I hear myself explaining me to you
And i clean out my ears and watch your lips move so I might get you
once and for all
Wanting us to understand each other
like we never did
I hand you a hold on me
I let hope grow a rope
You teach me African work songs and
we chant
sing
laugh deleriously
mad in the light of the lamp in our tent
Your tent
This is really dangerous now.

We get drunk
I get drunkest and you hold back because
You need to be in control, of me, of everything, you always did
And I need to be out of control
always did

And the merriness rises to a peak
the booze all gone, the cigarettes all smoked but one
the songs all sung
I climb over and kiss you
from your stomach to your face
But you close your lips hard
and say
No kisses.

And suddenly, sharply I know
I know
that there is hate for me
somewhere in your heart.

Nothing more can be said
so i scream, and cry.
But not because I want you anymore
But because finally I can see
I am sitting in the ash
where our love has died.

And it is cold.
The warmth of love gone.
Ash cold.